Mondo Bondo Weblog

2011-11-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

2011-11-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

2011-11-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

Your new ski pass.

2011-11-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

What to watch??

2011-11-20T09:56:00.001-07:00

Relationship Status

2011-11-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

I-70 traffic

2011-11-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hunters

2011-11-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

T'was the Night Before Ski Season

2010-10-07T15:11:00.001-06:00

T'was The Night Before Ski Season

The night was crisp and getting colder, snow was on the way. I could smell smoke from the fireplaces in the neighborhood as they were lit for their first time this season. A couple of snows had already come and gone already, but this night was different; this was real winter settling into the air. Fall was becoming an orange memory, the Halloween candy was reduced to wrappers and long since discarded. The un-opened Thanksgiving turkey was resting comfortably in the freezer awaiting his debut in a couple of weeks .

I looked out into the clear night sky and watched the stars, I scanned the vast distances of the Milky Way looking for that special star, I always wondered what it may look like, I imagined a red satellite slowly traversing the heavens, or maybe a flashing streak of color like a jet at low altitude. I never saw it, I didn't really expect too anyway.

I drained the last sips from the beer bottle and tossed it away in the recycling. I gave one last look at the other beer slowly chilling in a bucket of ice next to a lone plate of warm, leftover lasagna on the kitchen table. I went upstairs to bed where my wife slept soundly.

I must have fallen asleep quickly, because the next thing I remember was waking up quickly with a start. The house was quiet but alive, I looked out the window and I could see the big flakes of snow falling in the moonlight. That’s when I heard it; the distinct sound of a bottle of beer being opened with a twist, the cap being deposited into the trash bin. I knew he was here. Without even thinking I bounded down the stairs, I felt eight years old.

Sure enough the pair of brand new skis stood by the fireplace, shiny and mounted with the exact bindings I like. No ribbons, no stockings, wreaths or trees decorated the room. Christmas was still weeks away. Yet there they were, my new skis waiting for me, waxed and ready to go for the next day. The edges were glinting in the low light, the top sheet looked like candy waiting to be eaten. I was too busy drinking in this amazing pair of skis to even notice that he was still there.

He gave me quite a start. I wasn't expecting him to still be hanging around, he was always gone! I gave up years ago trying to catch him in the act. But there he was, sipping his beer, smiling at me. Santa had not left in a puff of smoke or flew up the chimney this time.

45 years of waking up to the newest set of skis, with no one there to thank, had become my odd little tradition, I didn't think twice about usually. But for whatever reason this year I was able to actually see the legend, he was standing right there in my kitchen.

He was dressed in a red t-shirt, brown cargo shorts and work boots. His beard was trimmed and neat. His bald head was rimmed with neatly brushed white hair and was speckled with age spots, freckles and the red blotches of someone who enjoyed the sun a lot. If it wasn't for the faintest upturn of his mustache tips you would hardly know who he was. He smelled like fresh hay and pipe tobacco. I noticed then that he wasn't alone, he had two ladies with him. Young, smartly dressed gals in red pant suits. Their slight pixie-ish appearance gave away the fact that these must be his elves, but otherwise you could have passed them on the street without a second look. My complete shock and amazement must have been obvious as Santa chuckled a bit and nodded to the chair. He pulled it out slightly for me, as he sat down in the opposite chair.

Being a good host took over my thoughts and I found myself offering drinks or snacks to my new guests. The elf ladies smiled a "no-thanks" and continued to stand at the end of table as I awkwardly sat slowly down in the chair to face the famous Saint Nicholas.

Not sure what to say I was about to stammer out something when Santa broke the ice and said in deep voice tempered with a quality of kindness that I had never heard before. "Thank you for the lasagna by the way, you found my weak spot!" His eyes twinkled as he confessed his secret pleasure. I had learned this years ago in college, when I did not have the milk and cookies that was traditionally left. (He only sipped the milk and took one bite of the cookie anyway, mostly just to be nice I figured) Being a poor student I put out the only things I had in my fridge; a beer and a piece of lasagna. The next morning they were both completely gone. I began a new tradition from there on out.

My mind was full of a hundred questions, but my tongue was star struck and I could only move my mouth with absolutely no sound coming out. Mercifully Santa knew and again spoke" I know you probably have a lot to ask, so I will save you the trouble and tell you why I am here." He leaned forward across the table and looked in my eyes with stern compassion. I recognized the look from my parents when they had bad news to tell me but did not want to say out loud. "This will be the last year I can come." Santa said as if he was confiding in me a deep secret.

I was still star struck and the words and thoughts were backed up in my mind like water behind the Hoover Dam. "Santa I just want to say thanks so much for all the skis and...." He interrupted me with a gesture and said "No, it I who needs to thank you, that’s why I wanted to stick around tonight." He looked at the elves who were still politely standing at the end of the table, looked back into my eyes and continued.

“For the last few years you were my only ski delivery, I used to bring hundreds of skis to my older believers at the start of every season. But as the years have gone by the adults have believed less and less, mostly they have their own families and kids and feel it’s too silly or strange, some have had jobs and corporate positions that did not allow for believing in fairies, some have given in to the peer pressure, most have gotten too old to ski anymore. You are the last one on my list, and you are also my favorite. You have always believed in the magic of winter. You never let the pressures of growing up in the real world diminish your enjoyment of the cold and ice and snow. Your heart remains in the snow, your thoughts are always with the snow clouds, and I have always enjoyed rewarding your obsession for all things winter. We are a lot alike in that regrard. I live in the land of eternal winter, you see, sometimes it gets rough, I won't lie to you. But it's the unending love you and others like you have for season of cold quiet that keeps me going. It reminds me of why I am there. I owe you more than you could imagine, you are the last to truly believe."

I found myself nodding along in agreement. Snow was my life and love. I never stopped believing in magic and Santa Claus. Even when I was eight and my parents sat me down to tell me there was no such thing as Santa Claus. I knew better. "What about the skis I get every year?" I asked them, "Did you bring me those too?" "Well no." they replied. "We are pretty sure your Uncle Morty brings those to you." My Uncle Morty used to work at the ski resort and was the only other member of my family who went to the slopes on any regular basis. He denied it every year, but my parents were not convinced, they were sure it was him and eventually the matter was dropped. Morty was sure it was me who was providing the skis, figuring somehow I acquired them through some nefarious means and was using Christmas as a convenient excuse to "launder" the new pair every year. He was on the receiving end of many of the year-old skis I passed on to him - so he never pressed the issue.

My wife also gave up years ago; she humors me every year as I come in to the bedroom beaming with the new season’s pair. She is pretty sure it is me who buys them and I am just being silly. People on the lifts ask where I got the new skis and I always proudly reply "Santa brought them!" which, although is an acceptable response, makes my wife just roll her eyes behind her goggles anyway.

It was then, after that talk with my parents when I was eight years old, that the skis started showing up not on Christmas morning, but weeks earlier, on the first day of the season. It was our little secret; Santa was real and brought me skis every year. Every year I sent him a thank you note. Skis aside, I was truly grateful for having such a good friend, I never felt alone or lonely ever. Somewhere Santa was out there and I could depend on him, and now he is here, in my kitchen, eating my wife's lasagna.

I Looked out the patio sliding doors and watched the snow come lightly down and kiss the ground. Santa was right; snow was magic! Sure I understood it when the weather men talked about low pressures and dew points and such. On some level I knew the science behind it all, but that still did not explain the feeling I got when you opened up the front door in the morning to discover that big, pillow-top comforter of snow had been laid down on the neighborhood overnight. Light precious jewels sparkling in the early morning sun. It could only be the products of fairy magic, there was no other explanation.

"But but Santa, where are you going? W- what are...I mean...Why..." I stammered again as the news was finally settling in. Santa smiled with comfort and gratitude, his eyes twinkled again, not with the jolly happiness as he is known for, but with what seemed like a small tear glassing over his blue eye.”Times have changed, the business is rough. I am afraid it is time to outsource Christmas to the Chinese; most all the toys are made there anyway. The Chinese elves work harder, longer hours. Mrs. Claus passed away years ago and I am just getting too old. Even jolly old elves can't live forever and I am going to enjoy my last years at home. The land of never-ending winter is getting warmer and I only have so many powder days left, you know. It's time to enjoy them."

He went on, "The Chinese will only be doing Christmas, I’m afraid. They can't do these extra little touches, this was my personal project anyway - just a little extra magic for my ski friends that shared my love for the deep winter snow. I will still do some personal appearances here and there, but the all the heavy lifting and long nights will happen in China. I'm sorry, I will miss visiting you."

Santa looked out the sliding doors too, and his twinkle returned as he saw the snow collecting. We both watched the falling snow in silence for a moment. I could tell he was just as excited to see it as me. After a long pause he looked back at me and said "It's going to be a great morning, eh? What do you think, eight inches maybe?" I nodded, still too tongue tied to form an intelligent sentence.

He then looked deep into my eyes and whispered “Those skis are special..." He said nodding toward the pair leaning against the wall in the living room. "They will never rust, their edges are always sharp, and the bases will never need waxing. They'll never let you down and you will never need another pair…ever. These were my personal skis and I want you to have them now. Don't ever let the magic of winter fade my friend." His smile was etched into my mind at that moment. The obvious melancholy he felt circled the room like pipe smoke.

He grabbed my hand from across the table and gave it a firm squeeze. He took the last bite of lasagna and quietly put the fork down next to the plate. As he pushed himself away from the table he finished the last swig of beer and wiped his mustache. He looked at the elves and they all walked toward the front door together. I jumped up, I have been waiting to meet him all these years and he was leaving! I had so much to ask him still, I wanted to tell him about all those incredible days I had riding on the skis he loyally brought me. But he cut me off again as he turned back from the door. "The lifts will be turning in a couple of hours! Save a first chair for me will ya?" He disappeared into the falling snow, with the lady elves in tow. I ran to the door and saw a red, older model pick-up truck parked on the street. It shook a bit as it started up, coughing up a puff of blue smoke. There were a couple of dogs and some hay bales in the truck bed.

He winked, smiled and put his finger along his nose as he put the truck into gear and drove away. I watched them drive down the street. I turned, grabbed the skis and went running upstairs, beaming. "Look Honey! Look what Santa brought me!"

For the peformers; The Million Dollar Business Card

2010-05-09T17:19:00.002-06:00

Be polite, professional, and don't burn your bridges. A little lesson.

It happens after every street show, some guy hanging around as people are putting bills in your hat, "Do you have a card?" he asks me. Amazingly, on this day, I actually did have a stack of cards and some promotional brochures in the prop bag. They were even current and did not require me scratching out some phone number and writing in a new set of digits. I happily gave him a card and a brochure, he told me he was booking a garden convention show in the near future and was interested in having me do some entertaining. "Sure" I respond, "give me a call! We'll talk!" knowing I would probably never hear from him.

Most cards I passed out almost never panned out. no one ever called.( In fact after an enraged husband found my card in his wife's stuff and angrily called me to find out what I was doing with his wife...I almost gave up the practice). Seems kind of dumb anyway...passing out personal info to strangers on the street. But this was a long time ago before the internet tubes, when a business card was your ticket to bigger and better gigs and your first foot in the door.

Well this one card has turned out to be worth almost a million dollars in contracts and bookings.

and I could have still screwed it up along the way ...

I ended up going to the Garden Show in a desert town I had never worked before. It was a week long gig doing walk-around entertaining at a convention center. Boring but paid well enough.

While I was there I ended up auditioning at the local comedy club and got a booking for a later date. I never worked for the Convention guy again (He actually stiffed me for half of the check) but ended up going to the comedy club on two different dates. Well the booker of this particular club had gained notoriaty for being a complete jerk and clueless about the business of running a comedy club, (He often thought of some "funny" way to insert himself into your act, really? seriously? Ummm how about no! the act works fine without you dude...?) His ego was huge and very fragile. Many comedians would quit half-way through the week and tell him what an ass he was. I would just suck it up and let his ridicoulous ideas roll off me. I put up with the guy while I was there and just quietly became "unavailable" for him later on.

Professionalism never allowed me to tell him what I thought of him, even though it would have been pretty easy to do. This guy was famous for awhile in the comedian circles and everyone had a story about how they blew this guy off and/or told him to take a hike.The club eventually folded and I don't know what ever happened to the guy...

But before he dissappeared into the fog of idiots he did one good thing: He referred me to another club owner. This new owner did his own bookings and came from the world of Casino Shows. he made a bunch of money with a big show in Vegas and bought an old theater in Salt Lake City that he turned into a Comedy Club. He loved magicians and jugglers and had asked around about such variety acts. he got my name from the idiot in Arizona (thay were friends) and started hiring me two or three times a year. I quickly became one of his favorite acts and when another producer from Vegas was looking for a "specaility act" he happily gave him my number. I ended up signing on for a two to three week show - that actually turned into a 3 year contract making more money than I ever did before. I met other producers and agents in that show and have been working for them ever since, almost twenty years later.

Many people can trace their history back along their career to a few special agents or events. I can trace mine back to a single business card. Also by not pissing off an idiot-agent (that more than deserved it), I created a great career. I was eventually working by word-of-mouth and didn't even need to self-promote or audition anymore.

I met many comedians and jugglers over the years whose egos would get in the way, and they would tell off some agent or owner and walk out of a gig. Those guys are not working anymore.

Being professional is it's own reward.
Don't bite the hand that is feeding you.
You are never too big for a small show.
You are never as good as your best show, and never as bad as your worst.
Stay humble and approachable.
Nobody cares how amazing you are.
and as Pat Paulsen once told me:
"Be nice to everyone on the way up, because you will need them again on the way down."
He would know.

:)

Some Photos!!

2010-03-26T07:25:00.003-06:00

Florida; Just the Tip Please.

2010-03-02T07:18:00.011-07:00

The flight to Orlando was packed full of kids. We had never been on the same plane with so many potential noisey bio-hazards,"Honey, did you pack the ear-plugs?" I asked quietly as we settled into our seats.

It was spring break for Summit County, Colorado and apparently Orlando, Florida has a small Disney problem that attracts the crotch fruits and their support units. I made a note to myself that Flights through Orlando should be better timed, perhaps during the super-model spring break.

The flight was actually fine and quiet, suprisingly. Regardless I was still even more convinced to get that vasectomy I always wanted. The next plane to Miami was on a 19 seat puddle jumper, the plane was small, (we even got out to help push it at one point) . Why they had such a small plane to fly from Orlando to Miami we could not figure out. Seemed like that would be a popular enough flight to warrant a plane with jet engines and a flight attendant. But the pilot was sober and there were only adults aboard so we were both glad when we finally got airborne.

Miami International Airport is known as MIA - which is also, uncomfortably enough, the designation for "Missing In Action". Of course being in Florida during February does make it hard to fly back to Colorado at the end of the week, so maybe MIA is appropriate. I am just glad we were not flying into DOA.

The internet flight and internet rental car worked out as promised without any help from William Shatner or garden gnomes. and we were on our way to the beautiful Florida Keys. I had my lovely girlfriend with me and some new snorkel equipment, we were looking forward to a great week in the sun and surf. The rental car came with an RFID Sun Pass to breeze us through the tolls (and report back our movements to big brother) so nothing was stopping us on our trip south. The next stop was Marathon!

Kim and I stayed at the Blackfin Resort last time we were there and had reservations to return. Although "resort" is a bit of a stretch. It is your basic roadside motel with a nice beach, pool and boat slips...but no bellmen or spa so I don't think "resort" is totally accurate. However it is a very nice place for the money and the staff is extra friendly. We like the maintenance guy, Barry, who lives on his boat all year and is fun to hang out with during the Blackfin's own little nightly sunset ceremony. He set us up with free Kayaks, and lobster-catching kits, and had plenty of local knowledge to help us round out our itenerary.

In the keys, addresses aren't used that much, everything is located by it's mile-marker and whether it is "bay-side" or "ocean-side." Blackfin is bay-side at MM 49.9. Marathon is pretty much half-way between Key-West and Miami and is a great jumping off point for any Key adventure. We had originally planned on staying in Key-West but were very glad to find this place. Key West is a great place for a day or two, but is almost TOO touristy and Marathon just had a better vibe and more relaxed pace for us. So we happily pulled into our motel-resort and got ready for some beach time.

Sombrero Beach in the heart of Marathon is a lovely little ocean-side beach and great for swimming. The bay-side beach at our motel-resort was also perfect for sun-tanning and beer drinking. The Motel beach is raked smooth everyday and had some lovely plastic chaises to lay-out on.

Kim is a sun-o-holic and I'm not. Our beach wear differs quite a bit. I stay covered head to toe under a big hat and Kim shows up wearing nothing but a paperback book. Like a stadium-roof in Canada, Kim's bikini top tends to appear and dissappear with the cloud cover. She actually tans nicely, I tend to turn as red as an expired parking meter if I even get close to a bright lamp. Consequently we have different goals in trips to sunny spots, she likes an unobstructed solar view and I hope to find a good internet connection. We found both at the Blackfin.

Florida was having a bit of a cold snap this February, there were some cloudy days and record setting cold mornings unfortunately. Tanning in the rain doesn't work I am told, so we had to find some other things to do. Luckily we were in the Florida Keys, a Mecca for tourists, retirees and pirates, there was plenty to do, as long as you like eating, diving, or fishing.

The diving is world class. Snorkeling at the Sombrero Reef was a highlight this trip! For 30 bucks at Tilden's Scuba Center they take you out to the most amazing reef in Florida. The locals told us about this place and Barry reaffirmed the fact that this was the best snorkeling and diving to be found in the sunshine state. I am not well versed in dive trips but Kim has snorkeled many places in the carribean and also agreed that this was a rare treat. It was like swimming in the aquarium at the doctor's office, there were so many fish and brightly colored corals I was overwhelemed with the variety of sea life; parrot fish, queen angel fish, eels, little "walnut" jelly-fish, and countless neon species filled your dive-mask everywhere you looked. Captain Billy and his crew were amazingly patient, knowledgable, and helpful to the snorkelers and newly certified divers. Safety and fun were the keywords of the trip, they took us to two different spots along the state park reef and allowed us on our own for over an hour at each locale. The half day tour is more than enough and is a must see! Tildens is located right next to our motel, and the boat left just yards from our room. Perfect trip for a cloudy morning.

Key West is the usual destination for most people, Ernest Hemmingway, pirates and drag-queens seem to be the theme here. Beautiful victorian cottages fading in the strong sun. scents of smoky barbeque and lime waft down sandy alleyways. Chickens run wild in the cobblestone streets along with six-toed cats and locals on crazy, colorful cruiser-bikes.

You can tell you have entered into another world with it's own rules and customs. A southern accent mixed with the lingo of a long life at sea fills your ears as you chat with the residents about shrimps, conchs and cocktails. Everyone seems to have been born on the very bar-stool that you now find them sitting on. T-shirts and sandals are worn with forced tolerance as if they are just one layer too many. I wouldn't describe it as a relaxed atmosphere, but it's real and unpretentious; southern paced, with a salsa undercurrent.

Peppers

Our favorite stop now in Key West is a place called Peppers. It is a shop dedicated to the religion of the hot sauce. Before going in however, you have to buy an iced bucket of beers from the sport bar next door, (be sure to get some extra for your server). Then belly up to Pepper's tasting-bar and plan to spend an hour or two testing and tasting some of the thousands of hot sauces and cooking marinades that line the walls. A hot-sauce somalier will take you on a tour of your tongue, armed only with lite corn chips your server will expertly guide you through the halls of the habenero. Your palate will light up with heat and your skin will glow with saucy sweat. They will mix sauces together and paint pictures of barbeques and glazed chickens that you can't wait to go make yourself. Kim and I considered ourselves lucky only leaving with just a hundred and fifty dollars worth of delightful treasures locked away in little red bottles. Whether you are a gourmet foodie or a sunday-afternoon-chips-and-salsa-while-watching-football-guy, you absolutely have to stop at Peppers. Luckily it's just a block away from the Conch Republic where you can cool down afterwards in an open air patio, next to the marina eating some of their famous pink key shrimp.

Pink Key Shrimp

The Key West sunset is where color was invented, and the Mallory Square scene is world famous and rightly so. The sunset is a must attend mass everywhere you go in the Keys and Key West has made it into an art. Touristy but fun, it caps off a perfect day.

Buskers abound

For the foodies we found a couple of treats. Stopping at most any Miami Cuban sandwich shop, on the way out of town, for a classic Cuban sandwich piled high with pork, turkey, ham on a toasted bread with a pickle is a tradition for us now. Look for Las Olas Cafe in the south beach area!

Cuban Sandwich

Just a couple of blocks off the highway in Marathon is the Key's Fisherie, Market and Marina. MM 49 at the end of 35th St. There they have the award winning best fish sandwich in Florida - the Lobster Rueben. Barely dead lobster with thousand island dressing, sour kraut, on toasted sourdough bread. Sit up in their sunset grill and wash it down with a Key West Sunset Ale. One sandwich will feed two people nicely and is available on the internet.

For the dirt-bag tourists looking for cheap thrills you can visit the Hawk Cay Resort, they have a great pool that easily poached and a free dolphin show for their guests. The dolphins are accesible right off the walkways around the hotel and they have a couple of shows daily. Not the caliber of a Sea-World type park, but it's guilt free because you didn't pay for it. I like free stuff.

One of our favorite stops in South Florida is the one-of-a-kind Everglades. We bought some handguns and assault rifles and headed into the National Park. Winter is a good time to see wildlife in the park. We saw alligators, herons, osprey, Ibis, coots, cormorants, great white pelicans, and my new favorite bird; the anhinga. All of them were tasty and delicious and we should have brought more charcoal.

Ibis

Green Heron

I joke about the guns and charcoal, but if you do want to eat alligator it is available at a lot of places including the alligator park just a couple of miles from the entrance to the Park. I've been to this alligator park a few times and I don't reccomend it unless you have never been. Then it's cool to do...once. I always leave feeling dirty for some reason. The same way I feel after visiting zoos, rodeos and Sea-World type places. I just quit going eventually. But if you have kids you have to go to an alligator farm! They will insist. I admit, too, the air-boat ride is actually a lot of fun.

After that Kim and I turned in our rental car all caked with sand and lobster juice. took the shuttle to the airport where various delays and another, un-planned night in a Marriott in Houston awaited us. Finally the cold, thin air of Colorado greeted us, and the visions of another great trip to Florida filled our memories, like the fine sand in the bottom of my luggage.

...

Marathon Key, Florida

2010-02-22T07:55:00.001-07:00

King of Conch!

What's the best way to inflate a large inflatable pirate??

With an AAARRRRRRR-compressor.

With a Bilge-pump.

sorry....

I Baked a Cake for My Girlfriend for Valentine's Day.

2010-02-12T15:14:00.003-07:00

I havent baked a cake since I can't remember when.

I learned she liked Red Velvet Cake, I bought two boxes and two pans.
I bought the frosting that comes in the plastic tubs.
My grocery store did not carry the fondant stuff so I made my own.

Or:
A Noobie Baker tries to make a cake "like they do on TV!"

I used a mini-marshmallow/ powdered sugar base for the fodant that was the hugest mess, but fun and yummy.

I used the left over frosting and packed it into a sandwich bag. I cut the tip a tiny bit and it worked OK. I wouldn't recommend it and I would have gotten a piping bag and some tips had I known. The plastic bag changed shapes at the tip allowing for some different effects as I went.

The roses are the most succesful part, I think, and pretty easy to make. You just squish rose petal shaped pieces together until it makes a rose. I just used some red coloring in the marshmallow mix.

She loved it!!

Boy Scouts, Girls Scouts, Cubs and Cookies.

2010-01-16T11:20:00.003-07:00

An essay from a Boy Scout dropout about Girl Scout Cookies.
Or more things I know nothing about.

Girl Scout cookies are awesome, no doubt, everyone agrees. We all have our sinful favorite. Little pieces of heaven sent to earth in green and yellow boxes.

Boy Scouts do not sell cookies, unless they join the Girl Scouts. Which I guess is perfectly acceptable these days. I am not sure I would want to buy a cookie made by Boy Scouts. I've seen how the Boy Scouts cook and it usually involves skinning a rabbit at some point.

I am not going to wax poetically about the heavenly delights of the Somoa or the frozen Thin Mint. I don't even hardly wax my own skis much less anything poetic. But Cookie season is upon us again, and I must address it's grip on our generation. It is the cult of the cookie that fascinates me. What made these confections so amazingly popular? Why are keys to the cookie held by the tweens in beanies and sashes? What exactly is Scouting, and why does it require neckerchiefs?

The cookies are true Americana, a throw back to a simpler time; when community was important and was made up of your neighbors. When trust was spread around like DDT. Like milk delivered to a box on your porch, Girl Scout cookies are more American than Dick Clark playing baseball with Dale Earnhardt.

Cookies were sold primarily door to door. A young lady in a clean and pressed uniform would show up at your door. . The uniform was comforting. It was official, people look up to people in uniform. Their Mother was always usually close by, off the steps or in the car. It was perfectly natural and normal. Then this wholesome, smiling, little girl in pig-tails would work you over like a side-show barker and take you for thirty bucks. Cookie sales is basically a gateway program that leads to harder lady-centric marketing programs like Avon and Mary Kay.

But nowadays they don't even come around door-to-door anymore. Now days you buy cookies from Girl Scouts at the grocery store. Located between the charcoal and the Coinstar machine they congregate around a fold up table stacked high with tagalongs and do-si-does. They don't even bother to wear the uniforms anymore either. How do I know I am not just buying cookies that "fell off a truck?" Mom is still, at least, close by - teaching their youngsters the joys of multi-level marketing.

The only other way to procure the cookies is because somebodies Mom or Dad will bring them in to the office. They shamelessly pedal their low-fat crack to their co-workers. How they find time between doing their kid's homework, and driving them to the malls, to go sell their cookies for them - I will never figure out.

Boy Scouts help old ladies across the street, and Girl Scouts sell the cookies. They both get badges and have to wear funny hats. That's what most people know about scouting. People who actually were scouts as kids talk about the experience like Catholics talk about their reformation classes. It is part of that childhood history we put in the back of our minds with the headgear and retainers. Never to be mentioned again.

It turns out the organizations couldn't be further apart, . They are two very different types of youth groups indeed. When Girl Scouts get together it does not usually involve pocket knives, rubbing sticks or lashing knots. Actually, I am not sure what they did when they had their meetings. To this day I never really know what is happening in groups of women, even when I, a lone male, am privy to a party of females...I still don't really know what's going on.

I was a Cub Scout, Then I moved into the Boy Scouts for a short career. I never even made it to the Boy Scout's first level. Tenderfoot was the gimme/entry level beginner status, and I didn't even make it that far. I was basically in the untouchable caste of Boy Scouts, lower than the lowest. I didn't last long. I received one merit badge as a scout; my badge wasn't for anything cool like First-Aid or Landing Planes in the Hudson River, I got a badge for Soil and Water Conservation, yeah, I spent a few hours learning about erosion and took a test. I passed, I got a badge.

Cub Scouts was fun, we never sold cookies though. We sold some stuff door-to-door, but none of it ever had the selling power of the famous cookies. We sold, instead, tickets to the Scout-O-Rama. The Scout-O-Rama was a convention for scouts, neighbors bought the tickets and never went. They were just donations. It was a shakedown scam, but I wore the uniform so it was OK.

Scouting is great for kids to get involved in,(at least until it becomes just another Facebook group). I am all for scouting! It gets kids out of the house, working with each other, being social and creative and learning new things. Scouting is teaching our kids about team-building so when they go to work as adults they will be better prepared for when they have to go spend their weekends team-building.

All kidding aside I truly do believe in the value of such organizations. I come from a family of Eagle Scouts. The black-belt/PHD of the Boy Scouts. From my Grandfather, Uncles and Dad I have learned to be prepared, to be clean, reverent and truthful. I learned the value of a sharp knife and dry down. Scouting had a profound effect on my lifestyle. Even though I didn't get the badges, I went camping and went to the Pack Meetings. I learned an appreciation for the outdoors and Bear Gryllis.

Most folks I seem to meet on the trails had some background in Scouting too, I can tell because their packs are much bigger and heavier. Scouts are always annoyingly more "prepared" than everyone else. It is a handicap instilled in us early on. It is still really hard for me to go on even a short hike behind the house without bringing an eight-pound axe, 50 feet of rope, and iodine tablets. I can't even leave the house without a knife and a lighter. You never know when you might be stuck at the Safeway overnight and have to build a fire to survive.

Cookies are yummy, Scouts are prepared. Please, please encourage your children to be scouts, and send them around to my place with some cookies or Scout-O-Rama tickets. I am going to need help crossing streets soon too.

...

My Cats Want to Eat Me.

2010-01-06T07:12:00.002-07:00

My Cats Want to Eat me.

I am pretty sure.

Once I learned that you only have to be a few hours dead before your loyal, loving cats will start to eat you- I have never looked at them the same since. Thats right, our cute little feline friends just consider us as a warm meal. Sorry to say, but I am convinced.

They may wait till their usual meal time has come and gone, giving you the benefit of the doubt. But I think as soon as they know you're gone; they'll start right in. Cats are opprotunists after all, and our still, lifeless body is just the ultimate kitty buffet. Sure it's just survival for them. And I am sure we would even want our favorite fluff balls to eat us if we can no longer provide for them. We are, after all, part of the food chain too. It is our destiny...eaten by worms or eaten by cats. Doesn't really matter much now does it. At least worms won't barf you back up 20 minutes after eating you.

Ever catch your cat just staring at you? They are just waiting...and watching . Cats tolorate your annoying habit of still living because you can work a can opener and they cannot. So they wait. Every day they will crawl up on your lap or on your chest and get their face right up in yours. We think it's cute, or a sign of affection, but no...they are seeing if you are still breathing. They take a little sample of your breath and caculate how much longer you may have. Do you think your cats are licking on you with their little raspy tongues because they like you, or need salt, or are just "grooming" you like their mothers did? NO...they are tasting you and wondering what wine will go with you best. My cats will wail and cry if you shut them out of a room if even for a few minutes, they are afraid I am going to die in there and they will not be able to get in. Every time I lie down on the bed or couch they are both on top of me in an instant, holding me down, waiting...watching.

I guess I can't really blame the cats, we control most every aspect of their survival. We let them in and out, we change the litter and give them treats. We hold the sacred knowledge of the mysteries of the holy electric can opener, We are more than their landlords, more than a benevolent dictator, we are their Gods and they fear us. I know that if I were the cats I would not want to be trapped in a situation where I could not fend for myself. Outside, in the world, cats are pretty much top of the food chain, but indoors they are as helpless as infants. We are their plan B, their best contingency option, we are their Y2K stash of canned food and glow sticks.

Sometimes I wonder where the cats would start in first? Most predators and scavengers start with the eyes first, easy and quick protein and a delicacy for most. Then maybe some tongue, also easily accessable and delicious. Occasionally cleaning their pallettes by munching on refreshing houseplant salad. But after that the meals get more difficult. Luckily cats are equipped with Ginsu knives for fingers and they have been keeping them sharp on your lazy-boy for this very day. At some point I would hope that they would have a go at the can opener but I am sure they would figure out it's hopeless pretty quick...so they go back to scratching and gnawing at your entrails. Thankful for all the bran you religiously ate.

I figure your basic american corpse could keep a cat fed for months.( My personal skinny stick figure would be gone in an afternoon).You would be like a Las Vegas buffett, a little different every time you went back. The cats would return for as long as possible or until they ran out of coupons.

After a month or so mice and other vermin would work there way in to the house, providing some new tasty snacks. Without your maintenance an escape from the house would present itself eventually, so your cherished pets could continue on while you did not. The dog would stay alive simply by foraging in the cat box. Your loyal best friend would die right along with you before he ever even considered laying a paw on you, unless you died, somehow, covered in bacon.

So I am on to you my little furry, purry pets.I know what you are planning. In fact I am sending this to my Lawyers so if I turn up missing they can deliver it to animal control.

Living with carniverous predators has it's risks, and I am prepared for the consequences. How ironic that after thousands of years of evolution due to a millinia of escaping cave bears and saber tooth tigers - I will still be eaten by the common housecat.

...

Photo Safari of Japan

2009-12-28T06:15:00.004-07:00

After hearing Japanese for three weeks it's nice to be back in America where we all speak spanish.

The kids are so cute there.

Thee guys didn't seem to happy to have their pic taken...I did ask politely!!

Mt Fuji!! ^^

Keep scrolling!!
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Tokyo

2009-12-28T06:04:00.003-07:00

Went to the Ginza District. Home of the world's priciest real estate. Even more expensive than Aspen. ( 1 very small 1 bed apt = 3.25 million dollars)

Saw the ancient baroque Kabuki theater. The famous Tsukiji Fish Market, and just hung out and window shopped, and people watched.

Fish Market:

Lights of Tokyo and the Rainbow Bridge.

More of Japan

2009-12-28T05:56:00.002-07:00

Osaka

2009-12-19T23:42:00.002-07:00

Spent an hour or two in Osaka port today, Tomorrow I'll have more to time to hang out in Nagoya Japan. Osaka was rather industrial around the port area, the cast is young and their first visit was to the McDonalds...(?) But they have free internet there so I joined them.

Pictures are from some of the areas I found in Osaka. They have Shinto Shrines all over the place, you throw a coin in the table, ring a giant jingle-bell, bow twice, clap twice, say a little prayer and bow some more. People come up all day and say their little prayers. The picture of the old man was taken at a shrine like that. He was very gracious and opened up the shrine doors for me to take pictures. I always throw some coins in the till and perform the ritual out of respect.

The boat is really rocking and pitching on the way to Nagoya, we are sailing all night. It's a bit annoying but thankfully it has not gotten me too queezy yet. It does rock you to sleep nicely.

I can't stop eating, this happens everytime I visit sea-level. I have to eat like a horse. My cabin is on the 6th floor which is about two floors above the water level so I guess my altitude most of the time is about 20 feet above sea level...big change from 9600 feet! I guess have to build up red-blood cells, hence the apetite.

Watched Columbo dubbed in Japanese yesterday, My favorite is a Korean soap-opera about Chinese history with Japanese subtitles. Like "Days-of-our-lives" but with Kung-fu action, I have no idea what's going on but the costumes and sets are amazing. Most of the time I can't figure out if I'm watching a game-show, talk show or info-mercial. Their TV shows incorporate all the elements. Their children's programming is totally weird...Barney on acid!

This blog was written while sitting on thre ground outside the Nagoya subway station where i could find some free wifi that works!

Disoriented in the Orient.

2009-12-15T21:54:00.002-07:00

I am sore from bowing and smiling.

We had our first two shows yesterday. Part of show is to run to the back of the room for a meet-n-greet after the final number. Pretty standard for this type of show, and I didn't think much about it. Normally you just stand in a recieving line and shake people's hands as they file past... very much like a recieving line at a wedding. I was unprepared for the onslaught...

400 little Japanese people armed with digital cameras and cell-phones descended on the cast like a biblical plague of locusts. Their eyes shining, star-struck fans clamored to get at us for multiple photos each, shaking our hands vigorusly while bowing like an oil pump in a Texas field.

They lined up 20 deep and waited up to twenty minutes for a picture with little Scotto Bondosan and the others. I could not have possibly imagined this fate awaited me as I ran to the back of the room, had I known what was in store for me I very well may have kept running. Trouble is you can't run very far away on a ship.

The scene repeated itself as I walked around the ship later, meeting and greeting again as people recognized me as "the magico".

I had always heard that working on a cruise ship requires you to adhere to many rules. As an entertainer you have a few more freedoms, and exist somewhere above the regular staff and below the passengers. Here are a few rules from the employee handbook:
No private conversation while at work.
Don't fold your arms or sit "chin in hand"
no whistling.
Don't touch your face or hair while guests are present.
Making use of items that have touched the floor.
nop pinching food.
no pointing at guests.
no blowing your breath against food, beverages, or tableware.
Yawning or picking your nose.

Pictures from Kobe. I finally was allowed off the ship as we had a few hours in port. The first place the cast wanted to visit was Starbucks. I was totally down with that.

Other notes:

Every time I turn on the bathroom light switch I can hear the toilet literally Boot-up. I'm afraid the toilet here might be connected to the internet, and my morning visit is considered "uploading."

I watched Monday Night Football with Japanese Sports commentators. Reducing the National Football League to something more like Ninja Warrior. Every time Someone got tackled or ran out of bounds I expected them to fall into a pool of muddy water.

Cruise ships are not the most quiet way of travel. It grumbles and groans and creaks more than Andy Rooney on a bicycle.

It's not "Merry Christmas" here by the way, it's "Happy-Merry Christmas."

I saw an Obama speech on the news just now. I was wondering where they found a Kenyan-to-Japanese translator.

...

Kobe Lights

2009-12-14T05:50:00.004-07:00

The Ferris wheel fills up my cabin window. It was kinda amazing to come into my room and see that. We were practicing with dress rehearsals this afternoon, and I had not had a chance to look out the windows since we arrived.

First show tomorrow, I think I am ready.

The afore mentioned toilet in my room.
Took awhile to figure out how the shower worked.

...

Hola from Japan

2009-12-12T21:21:00.004-07:00

Picture of the instructions for my toilet:
A seat warmer is easy to get used to!!

If accidented don't use all toilets...huh?

As we arrived in Osaka at the Kansai Airport I immediatly knew I was not in Kansas anymore. I passed through an infra-red scanner at one point, as they checked my heat levels for signs of fever. I'm not sure what they would do if I" came in hot?" Everyone at the airport who works with the public was wearing their white masks, looked more like a hospital than an airport. They had on masks but no gloves...odd. I think I would rather wear the gloves if I was so concerned.

Osaka airport isreally one of the coolest in the world. Built on a manmade island out in the bay. I remember instantly when I saw it that I had watched a Discovery channel documentary on it's construction. Reminds me of DIA in it's layout with the trains. Instead of teepee towers however The concourse is an undulating snake of polished aluminum. I could've hung out there for awhile but we had a three hour bus trip to get to the ship.

I have to duck my head a lot while on the boat.

It's perfectly fashionable to wear eye-glass frames...without the actual glass lenses.

Tomorrow night we leve for Kobe to pick up passengers. Here we go! Stay tuned!

How Cold is it??

2009-12-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

It's So Cold...

Pine beetles are eating and killing toasters.
Hitchhikers on Loveland Pass are holding out pictures of thumbs.
The Salahi couple are crashing house fires.
Brittany is going out without wearing her long-underwear.
Polar bears seen buying snuggies.
Jessica Simpson now selling cream for goose-pimples.
The Heeney Family now begging for the electric chair.
George Michael now carrying around flannel condoms.
Richard Simmons is actually wearing pants.
Ted Williams head can go out on it's own.
Iran has been secretly enriching hot cocoa.
I had to salt the shower before I got in.
Kids can't illegally text while wearing mittens.
Rod Blagojevich is wearing three toupees.
GM is unveiling a hybrid zamboni.
Even the brass monkeys are buying hand warmers.
Every now and then I have to restart my heart by shouting "Mush."

No matter how cold it is, it is still warmer than Tiger Woods house right now.

Obama /Oprah 2012!!

2009-11-20T08:14:00.002-07:00

Oprah is going to retire from her show in 2011 so she can spend more time with Gayle's family.

She sent me a list of things she is thinking of doing after retirement:

Take the show on tour; Oprah on Ice!

She is also planning on moving to Florida...and buying it.

Then she will write a fraudulent Memoir that she will endorse in her book club, and then she will release statements saying she was duped again by the author, herself.

Oprah will possibly use her vast sums of money to go into the crime-fighting industry like Bruce Wayne.

...

On Snot, Skiing, and Swine Flu...

2009-11-14T08:21:00.001-07:00

"Your nose runs in the cold for a reason" I read several years ago. According to Inuit tribes in the freezing far North; that If you simply blow your nose into your hands and rub them around you will have warm hands.Yeah, seriously!
I have yet to try this technique.
I can't bring myself to forgo the bandana and launch my hands into my own snot-rocket. Excuse me but Eeewwww. I may have to save that technique for an extreme emergency bivouc, although the idea of hollowing out a Texan and spending the night inside of him seems much more palatable than moisturizing with a farmer's blow.

Skiing and snot seem synonymous. The bandana has been a skiing fashion staple, I believe, for this very reason. Unfortunately in these days of the pandemic flu a bandana on a snowboarder has to be treated like a bio-hazard. Take note germaphobes, skiing may not be the sport for you. Although the nice thing about winter mittens is that they hide rubber gloves nicely. Speaking of gloves; don't put the back of mine under one of those crime-lab flourescent lights either.

I guess if my nose didn't run I wouldn't have anything to do on the chairlift. The guy next to me is too busy with his iPod or cell-phone anyway, so conversation is out. So it's just me and my bandana. Sometimes I make a little puppet out of the bandana and talk to him, that usually insures that i'll be riding even more single than I already am. Regardless, the red rag comes out every trip up the hill. my own personal nose-flag flapping in the breeze. Maybe I should just start carrying some of those tibetan prayer bandanas then I could just leave them behind in the trees with all the others when I'm done. Karmic Kleenex...I like it.

The other backcountry bio-hazard that seems not only tolerated, but somewhate revered, is the powder-day snot-sickle. Come on...who hasn't snapped a picture of one? Like an unspoken horror hanging from your nose, the frozen stalagtite sways and moves with every word captivating the viewer in a hypnotic trance of awe mixed with nausua. It's even better when it freezes to the bandana trapping it to your face, turning the bandana into somekind of medevil iron maiden mask.There's something about growing the biggest one too, they become a competition. I swear if people could, they would mount up their snot-sickles up like bowling trophies.

Hopefully someone will invent the disposable bandana, an alternative to the dust-mask, people could wear them cowboy fashion and at the end of the day just toss them away. It might catch on in the cities; it's much cooler to wallk around with an Outlaw Josey Wales bandana over your mouth than one of those surgeon things.

Happy 40th Birthday to Sesame Street!

2009-11-05T08:08:00.003-07:00

Happy Birthday Sesame Street

If it wasn't for Sesame Street we'd all be playing with a "Tickle-me-Barney" doll.

Big Bird out this season with the Bird-Flu.

New Muppet character introduced for the 40th season; "Katie the Cougar"

Burt and Ernie are now married, which is nice.

Oscar the Grouch gets a new show on Fox News...much less crying then the Glenn Beck muppet.

Michelle Obama will be on the season premier with her White House Garden explaining "the joys of watching things grow"....like the National Debt?!
She will be bringing her Obama Muppet that she got elected to be the president.

My Life in the News:

2009-10-31T08:01:00.003-06:00

As I was looking through some old albums I realize I have a complete documentation of my life as seen through newspaper photographers.

So for Archival purposes and also for shameless self-promotion I present my entire life as depicted in the newpapers.

It all started with winning a talent show as an 8 year-old with my ventriloquist puppet.

Ventriloquism, Mime and then Juggling...you will see a theme here.

Click on Picture to see full version!

At 15 years old I made my Brother and Sister perform a mime act with me. Here's my brother Bruce and I getting some press in Austin: They got my name wrong...

In Austin, Texas, A juggler finally:

One morning I woke up and found my picture on the front page of the Galveston paper:

My Life in the news: Elroy Bondo years

2009-10-31T07:40:00.004-06:00

Little Scotty Bondo and my partner Russ Bondo;
We spent a lot of time in the parks around Denver practicing our juggling...photographers were always snapping pics of us:

Click on Pic to see whole thing!

I was the AP photo of the day here, Someone from Grand Junction sent me this:

Not a newspaper picture...but pretty cool...here they named a sandwich after us.

Not a newspaper...This is from Denver Magazine:

Sometimes I just got my picture taken for just being in the right place at the right time...here I was just shopping around on my rollerblades...

My Life in the News: Lake Tahoe and Breckenridge.

2009-10-31T07:03:00.003-06:00

On my own in Lake Tahoe, I enjoyed a nice long six-year run at the Horizon Casino.

Of all the pics and articles put in the paper this is one of my favorites. My Dad came out to visit and I had the interview scheduled as he was there. The writer used my Dad as the angle for the story. I framed this and gave it to my Dad on a Father's Day.

I Can't stay away from the Renn Faires, Still in Lake Tahoe.

Here they used my picture to decorate the map.

Most recently...from my local paper The Summit Daily in Breckenridge, Colorado

Sometimes, instead of a caption, they write a whole article about you.

I am the official "gaper" poster boy

Still at it after all these years...

Don't buy these "Scam-i-Flu" Products:

2009-10-27T08:19:00.000-06:00

FDA warns against fruadulent swine-flu products.

Other "Swine-flu" products to avoid:

Tamiflu Daquiri happy hours.
The Official Zamfir Pandemic Flute.
Solar powered swine-flu detectors.
Flu-B-Gone.
Rubber-Snuggies.

Some other fraudulent products you should be aware of:

The Ballon-Boy Locator; It's a GPS for your child...but all it ever says is "He's in the attic."

Socialist Test Kit; Doesn't work...but is paid for by people who do.

Gingko Obama Herbal supplements.
It will improve circulation...of your paycheck.

...

Obama's List of "Haters:"

2009-10-22T07:45:00.000-06:00

Obama has Nixon era "Enemies List"

Fox News
Mom Jeans
Fox Coats
Cell Phone Robo-Calls (You know even the President of the United States must get these)
Fox Hunting
Rush Limbaugh...and just to be safe all of the St Louis Rams too.
The Burger King (We are all kinda freaked out by him)
David Frost...(Must be leftover from Nixon's list)

...

Croc-Zoo and Wedding Chapel; What Happens in Vegas...

2009-10-20T07:55:00.000-06:00

$40 Million Steve Irwin Crocodile Zoo to be Vegas Attraction!
LINK

Vegas is the one location that is as far away from stingrays as geographically possible.

Waiting for the second show of Terri Irwin Wrasslin' crocs topless!

Some possible names:
Siegfreid and Bindi!
Steve Irwin's $4.99 All-You-Can-Wrestle Buffet
Cirque du Stingreil

182 Words For Snow.

2009-10-17T07:16:00.000-06:00

I have recently heard many people say to me after a discussion of skiing; “You know the Eskimo’s have ____(Insert any number) words for snow and the English language has only a few…” I decided to research this assertion, as it seemed to me to maybe be a myth.

After some google searches and some e-mail to Inuit language and cultural sites I have learned some interesting things.
First, to be properly correct the term is “INUIT” and not “ESKIMO”. Even the term “Inuit” does not cover all the indigenous people found in the northern latitudes. It is a very rich, fascinating and diverse culture with many languages and dialects. There are some very talented and learned people who are trying to preserve these cultures and languages all over the world. I post this not to take anything away from their culture but instead to dispel any stereotypes that we may be inadvertently perpetuating.

Secondly, it [b]IS[/b] a myth that the inutitut (or Inuktitut) language has many words for snow. They really only have a few base words for snow. Their language, like ours, depends on the use of qualifiers, prepositions and adjectives surrounding the word “snow” to describe the various conditions encountered in a snow and ice environment.

The general word for snow in inutitut is “APUT” or “APUTI” (and is a popular romantic name for someone who has been born in the winter) Recently drifted snow is “AKEOLRAL” or “PERKSERTOK”. The verb “to snow” is “GANIK.”

One reason for the perpetuation of this myth is from journalists who jump on this inaccuracy to help make a humorous point. This trend can be found in an interesting list compiled by linguist Mark Liberman . He documents this myth from articles he has found that lists the number of words the Inuit allegedly have for snow from 20 to 100 words. ([url]http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~pullum/eskimo_quotes.html[/url])

So lets bust this myth and remind people that backcountry snow enthusiasts have many more words for snow than anybody!

Below is OUR vocabulary list that skiers and riders use at any given time to describe the snow around where we live and play. I have compiled 94 words/phrases from several sources (99 if you include the above Inuit words): Telemark Tips message forums (of course,) Weather.com glossary of meteorological terms, and Snow Sense- avalanche primer, as well as from my own observations in my daily conversations with skier-types. There are several words/phrases for the same type of snow condition, some foreign words that have entered popular lexicon, local colloquialisms, and a bunch of snow-science terms that are used when describing avalanche and snowpack conditions. My only criteria was that is a solid or near solid - water-based substance or condition that a person can access or travel across.

If you have any additions I would love to include them. I would like to get the list to 200 or more. If for no other particular reason other than to be able to respond to the myth about “Eskimo words” with: “Skiers have 200 words for snow - whereas the Inuit’s actually have just a few.” Of course this is not a competition, any person from any culture will generally have around a dozen personal words for snow-like conditions. But skiers and riders have a bigger personal snow vocabulary than most anyone for sure!

1. POWDER
2. CHAMPAIGN POWDER
3. PACKED POWDER
4. CARDBOARD POWDER
5. LOUD POWDER
6. COLDSMOKE POWDER
7. CONSOLIDATED COLD POWDER
8. DRY POWDER
9. SPRING POWDER
10. BLOWER POWDER
11. STELLAR POWDER
12. FLUFFY POWDER
13. FEATHER POWDER
14. NECTAR OF THE GODS
15. KOOTENAY GOLD
16. WHITE GOLD
17. BUTTER LOVE
18. POWDAH!
19. POW-POW
20. POW
21. SNORKEL SNOW
22. LE POUD
23. POUF DEVILLE
24. FRESHIES
25. PILLOWS
26. SILK
27. FAIRY DUST
28. CHALK
29. CHOWDER
30. CHUNDER
31. CORDUROY
32. ON-PISTE
33. OFF-PISTE
34. GROOMERS
35. MAN-MADE SNOW
36. MACHINE GROOMED GRANULAR
37. NATURAL SNOW
38. STOPGO SNOW
39. SUGAR SNOW
40. EGO SNOW
41. BONER SNOW
42. SCHMOO
43. SCHNEE
44. ELMERS
45. STYROFOAM
46. CREAMY
47. GLAZED
48. CAKE FLOUR
49. BRULEE
50. OATMEAL
51. MUSHROOMS
52. SOUR CREAM
53. SHAVING CREAM
54. COTTAGE CHEESE
55. CREAMY BUTTER
56. SPONGE CAKE
57. SLURPEE
58. SHERBET
59. MASHED POTATOES
60. MERINGUE
61. HARDPACK
62. BOILER PLATE
63. RUTT PLATE
64. BULLETPROOF
65. PORCELAIN
66. ICE
67. CLEAR ICE
68. BLACK ICE
69. BLUE ICE
70. ICE LENSE
71. NEW SNOW
72. OLD SNOW
73. LOOSE SNOW
74. WET SNOW
75. MOIST SNOW
76. ROTTEN SNOW
77. MANK
78. CRUD
79. BABYHEADS
80. FROZEN CHICKEN HEADS
81. DEATH CANTALOPES
82. DEATH COOKIES
83. MORTALITY BISCUITS
84. CORAL REEF
85. SIERRA CEMENT
86. CASCADE CONCRETE
87. DINNER PLATE CRUST
88. DEATH CRUST
89. WIND CRUST
90. KILLER CRUST
91. BREAKABLE CRUST
92. FACETED CRUST
93. RAIN CRUST
94. SUN CRUST
95. FURROWED CRUST
96. DUST ON CRUST
97. MELT-FREEZE CRUSTS
98. RADIATION RECRYSTALLIZED CRUSTS
99. NEAR WET LAYER CRUSTS
100. WIND PACK
101. WIND AFFECTED
102. WIND DEPOSITED
103. SPINDRIFT
104. RUNNELED
105. HARD SLAB
106. SOFT SLAB
107. WET SLAB
108. VARIABLE
109. CHOPPED / CHOP
110. CHUNKY
111. STICKY
112. BOOTABLE
113. GOOD PACKING
114. QUARRYABLE
115. SPARKLY
116. FIRM
117. SNOT
118. ELEPHANT SNOT
119. PENETENTES
120. SASTRUGI
121. PINWHEELS
122. FIRN
123. FIRNSPIEGEL
124. SLUSH
125. SLOP
126. GLOP
127. GLIT (GLOP+SHIT)
128. GRAUPEL
129. CHOSS
130. SLEET
131. HAIL
132. FROZEN RAIN
133. ICE PELLETS
134. BLOWING SNOW
135. HORIZONTAL SNOW
136. DRIFTING SNOW
137. LAKE EFFECT SNOW
138. ROLLED SNOW
139. THUNDER SNOW
140. UNMETAMORPHOSED NEW SNOW
141. ERASER SNOW
142. REFRIGERATOR SNOW
143. YELLOW SNOW
144. PINK SNOW
145. BROWN SNOW
146. SPRING CORN
147. DRY CORN
148. HOLLOW CORN
149. HERO CORN
150. SLOUGH / SLUFF
151. GRANULAR
152. FROZEN GRANULAR
153. CRYSTALINE
154. BOTTOMLESS MUSH
155. SUN-CUPS
156. SUN BLASTED
157. WIND DEPOSIT
158. SURFACE HOAR
159. DEPTH HOAR
160. HOAR FROST
161. NEAR SURFACE FACETS
162. INTERMEDIATE FACETS
163. ADVANCED FACETS
164. NEAR WET LAYER FACETS
165. NEAR CRUST FACETS
166. SHARP EDGE CRYSTALS
167. FACETED GRAINS
168. ROUNDED GRAINS
169. WET GRAINS
170. CUPPED GRAINS
171. STELLARS
172. SPATIAL DENDRITES
173. NEEDLES
174. CAPPED COLUMNS
175. HEXAGONAL PLATES
176. SQUARES
177. RIME
178. CONSOLIDATED SNOWPACK
179. TENDER SNOWPACK
180. AVALANCHE DEBRIS
181. NEVE
182. APATI

Did I miss any?

If you name your dog or first-born “Aputi” as a result of this post - let me know!

Particles From the Future Take advantage of Cheap Flights, Travel Back in Time to Sabatoge Large Hadron Collider:

2009-10-15T07:38:00.000-06:00

Link

The LHC is a 9 brazillion dollar chemistry set that sends particles through an 18 mile loop to crash into each other; Basically NASCAR for protrons, and the scientists are the tail-gating rednecks watching from their RVs.

So everytime they try to create this "God-particle" Arnold Schwarzenegger keeps showing up naked.

This explains all the re-runs on TV.

What happens in the future stays in the future!

Maybe this explains why the Health Care Bill keeps stalling; Republicans from the future keep coming back to derail it...?

...

Maria Shriver in Hot Water with California's Husband-nator.

2009-10-14T08:41:00.000-06:00

BUSTED
TMZ has not one but two pics of First Lady Maria Shriver breaking California's controversial NO CELL PHONES WHILE DRIVING law.

What do you expect...she learned to drive from Uncle Ted.

"swift action" by Arnold usually involves an Uzi.

Most disturbing fact from this article: Arnold Schwarzenegger Twitters!!

...

Curse of Survivor.

2009-10-08T08:47:00.000-06:00

It's Thursday, or as we say around our house...Survivor Day!

But I noticed that this week the island of Vanuatu had an earthquake...just after Samoa had a quake and Tsunami combo-meal.

These were both locations of a recent and now current Survivor series.

Is Jeff Probst a horseman of the apocolypse??

Let's look at some other locations and their disasters after the show left:

Survivor China: Just after the show left China had a disaster that cost them biliions of dollars, they called it The Summer Olympics.

Survivor Thailand: Two words...David Carradine. He lost the reward challange.

Survivor Palua: After hosting the cast and crew of Survivor, the island of Palua decided it would take the Chinese Uighers from Guantanamo Bay. Figuring they couldn't be any worse than the reality show producers.

Survivor Amazon. One word; Kindle.

I think those hidden immunity idols are actually Bobby Brady's stolen Tiki from the Hawaii episodes...?

...

What's the Difference Between John Edwards and a Pit Bull??

2009-10-01T07:56:00.000-06:00

Pit bull does not have a sex tape.

Someone tell John edwards That Sex-Tapes are SOOO 2004
Nowdays, to be truly hip, you have to be spotted having sex on Google Earth.

Sex Tape article

Disturbing part is that it was directed by Michael moore.

Told his wife he was just test firing a missile.

This is what happens when you ask Bill Clinton for campaign advice.

Kayne West interrupts the saying that "Beyonce's sex tape was better"

I guess it's considered kinky to NOT have a video camerea running...

"When Mommy and Daddy love each other very much they go get the video camera....

...

For the Girl Who Has Everything; A Doll Who Has Nothing:

2009-09-29T08:11:00.000-06:00

American Girl Doll Brand releasing Gwenn; The Homeless Doll.

Oscar the Grouch has been homeless for years, whats the big deal?

1: Buy the doll
2: Set it up at the exit ramp with a cardboard sign.
3: profit $$

Some more toys that "Create Awareness:"

Dora the Columbian Hostage.

Hello Kitty Crazy Cat-Lady starter kit: 300 kitty dolls and a book "Hoarding for Dummies"

The Strawberry Shortcake Binge-and-purge doll

Groovy-Girls Hepetitus C Crack-den playset.

Learn to cross dress Jake doll

Michael Moore Inaction-figure.

Lego's big bucket of forclosed homes.

...

Attention Aspen Residents: Hers some ways to be mean to Bears.

2009-09-28T09:10:00.000-06:00

Aspen Encouraging Residents to be "Mean to Bears"
Link

Jimmy Carter calls the policy racist.

Some Ways to be Mean to bears:

Interrupt their acceptance speeches. "Sorry bear I'll let you finish, but first I just want to say that Knut had a way cuter video."

Build them a football stadium in Chicago.

Unfriend them them on Facebook.

Take away their health care!

Switch their coffee to Folgers, see if they notice.

Lay-off the bears, replace them with Ellen DeGeneres.

Have Bob Barker swing by to nueter and spay them.

Re-negotiate their union contract.

Do what I do to my cats. A little piece of duct-tape on their tails.

...

Florida Pictures.

2009-09-26T07:45:00.000-06:00

I finally got around to posting these. I still have some of Kim's shots to go through. A great trip that we are still talking about. We tried to tickle out some lobster dinners but no luck...we'll catch some in February when we go back!

Worst Things about Having Sex With your Dad.

2009-09-24T07:21:00.000-06:00

Mackenzie Phillips is re;leasing a book this week in which she reveals she had a ten-year incestuous relationship with her Father; John Phillips of the Mamas and Papas.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww
OMG

Worst Things about Having Sex With your Dad:

Now You know why Mom drank.

Even though you live together he calls you a cab anyway.

He still won't give you the cars keys.

You'll be late for school again.

Finding your sister's diaphragm in the sheets.

Makes for an awkward Father/Son day.

Having to watch all those Woody Allen movies.

Afterwards he leaves your allowance on the night stand.

...

Just Don't Drink the Water!

2009-09-23T06:51:00.000-06:00

NASA set to announce tomorrow that they have found water on the moon!

NASA sent Bear Grylls up there to survive for seven days and apparently he found water!

Just in time to save the polar bears!

NASA took lots of pictures...but they all seem to be of the nude beach section.

People in Atlanta seem not too suprised.

First reports are thet the water is great, but the wave pool is a bit cold.

I Don't buy it...If there was water on the moon I would have sunk a golf ball in it already!

...

Just Sleep it Hoff

2009-09-22T07:09:00.000-06:00

Not only does America Got Talent...apparently America Gots Happy Hours too.

The Hoff admitted again to hospital for alcohol poisoning again.

They are fitting "Kitt the talking car" with a breathalyzer now.

From Baywatch to Suicide-watch.

Daughter Haley turning Dad in for the "Cash-for-drunkards" rebate program.

They don't even check his BAC anymore...they just test for cheeseburgers.

Alcohol poisening is when you drink so much you get a rash, you go to scratch it and it turns out to be just the kitchen floor.

...

2009-09-18T09:58:00.000-06:00

Hilarious!

ACORN: Seedy or Just Nutty??

2009-09-18T08:34:00.000-06:00

Leave it to the Gov't to take the FUN out of FUNDING.

Now all my underage prostitutes are going to have to pay taxes. Darn it.
At least Craigslist is still free...

If it wasn't for ACORN then the Disney Characters would never had to opportunity to vote.

Don't worry...Halliburton is ready to step in and fill the void.

...

heh heh heh

2009-09-16T08:57:00.000-06:00

Rep Wilson gets the Pelosi Paddle!

2009-09-16T08:28:00.000-06:00

Must write 1000 times "I will not interrupt the President" on chalk board.

Does this go on his permanenet record?

He should have just thrown a shoe...he'd be getting out of Iraqi prison by now.

...and of course it was not a lie. It was on the teleprompter! It has to be true!

...

The three most popular books in Guantanamo Bay

2009-09-10T08:06:00.000-06:00

From this Blog:

...There are now 13,500 books in the library at Guantanamo Bay, serving the remaining 229 prisoners.

And when the London based, pan-Arab daily Al-Hayat sent a reporter out there recently, he asked the librarian, in what must have been a fairly surreal encounter, which books were requested most frequently.

So we now know the most popular read material among the Guantanamo prisoners. The three most requested book, followed up by a string of Muslim religious volumes, are apparently:

1) The Harry Potter novels

2) Cervantes’ Don Quixote

3) Barack Obama’s Dreams from my Father

Don Quixote?? Really??

Here are some of the other top requested books at Guantanamo's library.

Escaping Prison for Dummies
(you would think would be the most requested)

Cuba on $5.00 a day

Martha Stwart's Essential Guide to Caring For Everthing in Your Jail Cell.

The Time Travveller's Property

Flat Abs Fast: Waterboard your Way to A Slimmer, Sexier Physique.

The Better Beard Book:

#1 Requested Magazine;
Sport Illustrated's Burka Issue.
(You can almost see some ankles in that issue!)

...

President Obama to Address School Children

2009-09-03T08:13:00.000-06:00

The President is set to address School Children in a special televised event.

He will be throwing out the first pop-quiz of the year.

Visual aids to include maps of the Iraqs and the other 57 states.

Followed by the Pledge of Allegiance to the President of the United States of America.

There will be a special health educational film shown too: "Our Health; Our Bodies" By Sarah Palin.

Speech followed up by hand-out comic strips "Goofus and Obama"

BTW: It won't be the real president, instead it will an Obama Muppet doing the talking.

This is just a practice dry-run of the speech he will give to congress the next day. He will have to dumb down the language for the congressional speech a bit though.

.

Disney Merges with Marvel Comics; Movies we can Expect Now.

2009-09-03T06:41:00.000-06:00

You can't order X-Ray Specs from the back of a movie!

Disney Movies we can Expect Now:

Snow White and the Fantastic Seven

Swamp Thing; the Musical.

Beauty and the Dark beast.

Lilo and Hulk.

20,000 Justice Leagues Under the Sea.

.

Ways to Prepare for Winter During a Reccession:

2009-09-02T06:50:00.003-06:00

Ways to Prepare for Winter During a Reccession:

You can stud your tires for free by driving around construction sites.

Steal the little packages of salt from restaurants to use on your driveway.

Send the kids out to operate a neighborhood TAMIFLU STAND.

Time to start canning the HotPockets.

Clean out your closets and move into them, or maybe rent them out.

Buy GM stock and burn it to keep warm. Cheaper than firewood.

Weatherize the house by stuffing recalled food into the cracks. Chinese Ecoli peanut butter makes great Caulking!

Instead of keeping blankets in the car for emergencies, just put a stray dog in there. They will keep you warm over night, and a dog keeps the car warmer so you don't have to warm the engine as much.

Signs You might Have Stumbled onto a Pot Farm in the Forest

2009-08-27T09:17:00.000-06:00

National Foresters are asking the public for help in identifying illegal pot farms in the National forests.

Here is my list of signs you might be in a pot farm as you are out hiking around:

Plants take a lot of water; so if you see some guy with a 400 gallon water tank clipped to his backpack with a caribeener you might want to go back to the car.

If your hiking along and run into Willie Nelson.

Mountain Bikes up on blocks.

A snowboard.

Black light poster and lava lamps off the trail.

All the old logs lying around seem to be made into bongs.

Rabbits with the munchies.

Guy with a weed whacker and a mullet.

Those baggies left along side the trail don't contain dog-poop.

Careful out there!

.

Agenda Items for Obama's Vacation in Marthas Vineyard

2009-08-25T08:19:00.000-06:00

Obama just missed Hurricane Bill, but he will boarding up the windows because Healthcare Bill is coming in at a Catagory 5.

Take Bo the dog out for some Portuguese Water Skiing.

Go into town and look for celebrities.

Goof around aboard Jet-Ski-One.

Build a bonfire and do some Czar Gazing!

Let Joe Biden handle the 3 AM calls...they are mostly Ted Kennedy drunk dialing anyway.

15 Photo-ops available of the Obamas enjoying their privacy.

.

Other things found in Michael Jackson's system:

2009-08-25T08:14:00.000-06:00

Besides the 50 Milligram of Propofol they also found 13 grammies of pure talent.

I just read through the 1100 pages of his healthcare report, some interesting things I found listed in the Table of Stomach Contents:

Flinstone Valiums
Jesus Brand Juicy Juice
Lots and lots of Pop.
No Angel Dust was found but they found significant quantities of Fairy Dust.

.

Dollar Bill is Worth More now! Because it is Laced with Cocaine!

2009-08-19T09:25:00.000-06:00

This is the Cocaine you could be doing with Geico...

85 to 90% of Paper money laced with cocaine

Roll 'em if you got 'em.

The value of a buck may be down, but as a tool to snort cocaine, U.S. currency is highly valued.

Cocaine traces are found on up to 90 percent of paper money in the USA, according to scientists who recently presented their findings to the 238th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society.
Examiner

I think what is more disturbing is that 90% of paper money has been in somebodies NOSE! EEEK

If they would just quit paying Kate Moss in cash this might not happen.

Anyway...I have started free-basing dollar bills now.

Is this the straw that broke the camel's bank?

.

From the King of Pop to the King of Popsicles.

2009-08-18T08:36:00.000-06:00

Michael Jackson is still not buried. Like his idol James Brown his family is keeping him on ice till they figure out where to put him. Not cremated, not buried, they just run a zamboni over him every now and then.

The greatest pop star of the 20th century's final resting place is in a tuff-shed at Forest Lawn Cemetary.

Somehow I think he is just going to end up in the Smithsonian next to the mammoths.

The new Jackson TV Dinner.

The brothers are going to keep working though, they have replaced Michael with Brian Boitano for the Jackson's on Ice tour.

They did put his brain back in his head finally...talk about brain-freeze.

The family visits him often it is reported. Except for Janet Jackson who is not allowed into cold rooms anymore.

Mountain Unicycling From Copper Mtn to Camp Hale.

2009-08-17T09:04:00.000-06:00

Imagine the most perfect Colorado day.
Sunny without being too hot.
Marshmallow clouds floating lazy through a clear blue sky.
Cool breezes calmly brushing through your hair.
A scent of wildflowers tickling your nose.

A rare day in the Colorado high country, perfect for an epic adventure of singletrack, one wheeled, adreneline fueled tour of one of the best alpine rides around.
The Colorado Trail put on it's finest display today and we were there to soak it all in.

Normally, an summer, alpine attempt in the Colorado high country requires a crack of dawn departure and a race to the summits before noon when the cooling rains and the deadly lightening make their appearance.
Not on this day! Absoulutely no thunderstorms predicted, no scary dark clouds, no prickly ozone standing up the hair on the back of your neck as you hurry over the passes.
Just blue, blue, blue skies and fluffy small clouds greeting you like your best BFF friend all day long.

Mike and I have tried for two summers now to put this ride together and today was the day. We met in Leadville, the highest city in America, and proceeded to drop off cars and perform the holy ritual of the shuttle.
We finally arrived at the parking lot of Copper Mountain Ski Area and started our ride at a casual 9:00 AM.
Starting under the American Flyer chair lift, oddly not moving at all, like a slow, surreal line of empty chairs going nowhere. A ghost resort where the white ribbons of parka clad ski enthusiasts were replaced by a green hill of long grasses performing their turns in the breeze.

The parking lot starts at 9800 feet above sea level, we began the slow climb up the Colorado Trail to Searle Pass. We followed the trail through dark pine forests, passing Janet's Cabin, meadows of willows, and finally got above tree line to chorus of colors from the remaining wildflowers that still clung to the slopes. We reached Searle Pass with two mountain bikers who were amazed that two unicycle guys somehow managed to keep up with them from the start. In the 7 miles to the pass we climbed 2600 feet.

The next traverse to Kokomo Pass was the narrowest singletrack I have ever seen. Barely wider than my 3" tire. Mostly un-ridable for me, Mike's 29'er cleaned the whole few miles. My pedals seemed to strike the side of the deep cut trail throwing me off into grassy clumps lining the trail. The second half was much more 26'er friendly.

Amazing high alpine fields under a blue sky, a sky made even more bluer in the thin air. here we are contouring along a basin at 12,200 feet. The views are as breath taking as the lack of oxygen. We are riding unicycles at almost 2 1/2 miles in the sky, at 2.1/2 MPH. The moment does not go un-noticed as Mike and are grinning and high-fiving along the whole traverse.

We drop a bit to Kokomo pass. We have been riding now 13 miles now, most of it above tree-line in the land of Marmots and Pika who make burrows among the clouds. We have seen no other humans for hours now, and enjoying every minute of it. Cameras get put away as we have 4 1/2 miles of descent into Camp Hale. Giddy with endorphines and Espresso flavored Gu we drop in and ride non-stop to the car along Cataract Creek. Mike found a waterfall down by the trailhead where we left the car and enjoyed some nice relaxing down-time waiting for me.

We left our shuttle car in the heart of Camp Hale, made famous as the ski-training grounds for the Army's 10th Mtn Division before WWII. From these hallowed grounds the troops of the 10th mountain went to Italy and climbed some un-climbable cliffs to defeat the Nazis who were not expecting anyone to come that way. Many of the soldiers returned to Colorado and began most of the Ski areas that we enjoy today. I bet they never-ever expected their ski trails to be assualted by pale, crazed unicyclers.

This was my longest and most grueling Muni ride ever. I was sore and beat up, but also energized, amazed and grateful for being able to complete such an amazing ride.
Thanks to Mike from Aspen for putting it together, being such a great guy and amazing Muni-rider. Thanks, also, for the delicious Espresso Gu.

Grace Potter

2009-07-03T19:57:00.000-06:00

KCMV's Meet-n-Greet with Grace Potter.
Grace was kind enough to meet with some listeners before her show at 320South in Breckenridge.
Do not miss a chance to see Grace and the Nocturnals!

Renaissnce Faire

2009-07-02T08:30:00.000-06:00

Kim, Beca and Bayne and I ended up at the Ren Fair this sunday. A few new things to see...It's been a few years since we went last. This was Kim's first time to a fair. Join us for next year!!

Weekend of Music

2009-06-24T07:14:00.000-06:00

All photos by Kim!

Weather was perfect for taking in some live music!
One of the things I love about Summit County and the high-country is all the summertime music fests. A lot of shows are free and easy to get to.

Thursday started with the Town Party and Roger Cline and the Peacemakers.

Friday it was Eric Lindell

Next was the all-girl Led Zepplin cover-band known as Lez Zepplin

Saturday we braved the rains and hit Red Rocks for David Byrne:

Terrific shows! Great photos by Kim!!

Jokes to Offend Sarah Palin.

2009-06-17T06:42:00.000-06:00

Sarah VS Letterman.
I'm sorry, but I take Letterman's side. He was doing his job, as a late night entertainer. Sometimes the jokes may go a bit far, and the public figures mentioned in the jokes need to relax and realize that they are just jokes.

So here are some jokes that will hopefully offend the Guv.
Ms Palin...you can call me at the studio and I will be happy to apologize!

The original bit was about Sarah visiting Yankee's stadium, so I will continue where Letterman left off...

I'm not saying Sarah gained weight...but she was seen at the ballpark eating three hot-dogs and then putting on lipstick.

She was there because she thought it was the "New York Mavericks."

She has another ethics investigation to look forward to: She was caught stealing second.

She came to the park to get some tips...after all, she and Todd are breeding their own baseball team.

They asked if Sarah wanted and her daughter wanted a tour of the field. She was all for it but wanted to make sure they didn't go past first base.

The Govenor kept insisting players be put in the "penalty box."

Sarah asked to be sat in the nose-bleed seats way up high. She wanted to still keep her eye on Russia.

Sarah, call me...970-547-1063.

.

Blue Skies Black Leather

2009-06-14T13:19:00.000-06:00

In the theme of enjoying the mild mornings we are having, Kim and I broke out the riding gear and hopped on the hog. We had breakfast in Minturn at the turntable, and then we finished the ride by going up to Leadville and back home through Copper Mtn. Gorgeous morning for a High Country ride!

Yes I had a helmet...but I take it off for pictures.

Finally nice to have some good mornings to go enjoy our mountains.

The afternoons rains have made it so green. The rain could still turn to snow at any moment.

Riding the Colorado scenic highways on a Harley is one thing everyone must do at least once if not one hundred times.

Bike Path of Least Resistance.

2009-06-13T18:33:00.000-06:00

Saturday morning bike path fun.
Beautiful day, warm and sunny.
Out the door!!

Curves! and whoop-de-whoops...the fun part begins.

This is my "quicky" afternoon ride usually.

Today I went a bit farther and brought the camera.

Almost home!! I can see my house from here.

A gorgeous morning, the afternoon came in quick with clouds and rains.

Oh well...tomorrow morning I can ride again!

Independence Pass

2009-06-08T17:27:00.000-06:00

Kim, Myself and some friends met up on Independence Pass this last weekend.
Mostly for the camping but some skiing and unicycling was also in the plans.

Trip Report of Municycling Cheyenne State Pk.

2009-05-30T18:10:00.001-06:00

Cheyenne Mountain Colorado With the Colorado Spring's Muniacs.

You may remember Cheyenne Mountain from the movies. It is the home of NORAD. NORAD is based deep in the center of the Mountain, leaving plenty of room for Muni trails all around the base.

I met the Muniacs for the first time Saturday at the picnic area and trailhead. 10 muniers geared up and hit the new trail system.

Sweet, well-drained, flowy trails honeycomb the state park. For 6 bucks you get unlimited riding, all the single-track your thighs can stand. It was a beautiful morning and the riding was amazing.

Everyone was named Mike, so that made things easy.

Step Aside Snuggie; It's the Wearable Towel.

2009-05-28T17:58:00.000-06:00

The Wearable Towel

Because you can't really wear your snuggie in public.

Perfect for hitchhiking around the galaxy.

Heck with that...I want a wearable napkin. Big one with a lobster and pockets at the bottom.

Looks faboulous with green crocs.

I have combined the wearable robe AND the snuggie into one amazing new product; I call it "The Robe. "

America is getting obese, it's just a matter of time before we are all wearing moo-moos anyway.

I say we send a bunch to Guantanamo Bay. Perfect for after-waterboarding attire.

Poopenhol

2009-05-26T17:46:00.000-06:00

Florida is making electricity from your poop.

MaxWest Environmental Systems announces the grand opening of their gasification facility today in Sanford, Florida, at Sanford’s South Water Resource Center.
This innovative system was designed to provide renewable ‘green’ thermal energy to replace energy from natural gas for the City’s sludge dryer by turning Sanford’s treated wastewater sludge into gas. The energy in the sludge is then converted to heat safely and economically.
According to their press release, “This first of its kind, industry-changing technology will provide Sanford with a long-term, green solution for sludge disposal while saving millions of dollars in natural gas fuel costs. Sanford’s 20-year contract with MaxWest also provides long-term energy price stability. And, as the system grows, the opportunity to produce renewable green electricity is available.”
MaxWest also plans on building more gasification systems in Florida and other states for animal, industrial and forest product wastes. They plan to build a facility in Ocala/Marion County, FL, (the “horse capital of the world“) that takes horse manure and turns it into renewable electric power.

Are poops then considered carbon credits?

They deliver the energy to your house, but first they set it on the porch, light it on fire and run.

My cat box, alone, could power a casino for awhile.

A whole new meaning to rolling brown-outs!

First Things Michael Vick Will Do After Prison

2009-05-20T17:52:00.000-06:00

Well, first off he is declaring bankruptcy.
Unlike many CEO's who are declaring bankruptcy and THEN going to prison.

He is getting a $10 an hour construction job. He says he is "shovel ready."

Instead of dog fights he is looking forward to lawyer fights.

Maybe this is a real life dog-fight-club!
Michael Vick could be Tom Brady's Tyler Durden??

Sarh Palin to Write a Book; 500 Baby names

2009-05-13T17:44:00.000-06:00

Sarah Palin's Rejected Book Titles:
Fear and Loathing n Alaska
500 Baby names
3 Sippy Cups of Tea
Where the Wild Things Are...Delicious
Eat, Pray, Procreate
Saturday's with Sarah.
The Bridges of Nowhere County
What to Expect when Abstinance Doesn't Work
!000 Things to see From My House
Idiot's Guide to the Vice-Presidency

Tennesee To Erect Statue of Al gore...just for the shade.

2009-05-08T17:03:00.000-06:00

Tennesee wants to erect an

Al Gore Statue

How will we know which one is real and which one is the statue??

Hopefully it will also be a wind turbine too.

They will have to have a vote; the skinny Al or the fatter, bearded Al.

I, personally, would love an Al Gore Garden Gnome.

Ralph Nader will find a way to spoil it somehow I bet.

I saw the designs for the piece.

Al gore valiantly riding on the back of a polar bear while beating Anne Coulter with his oscar.

It's pretty magnificent. You should be able to see it fine in the pictures that Air Force - 1 will be taking with it.

Air Force-1 Pictures to be Released

2009-05-07T17:45:00.000-06:00

stolen from FARK

The White House is going ahead and releasing the photos of Air Force-1 scaring the pants off New York City from it's recent fly-by. They had to photoshop out the people running for their lives.

Next expect the Air Force - 1 sex tape to be released.

I think I saw the official picture already, it was leaked on the internet somewhere today. I didn't know they had Hugh Jackman hanging on to the wing with his Wolverine claws, as they flew by the Statue of Liberty. That was a cool shot.

They should have said they were just flying around looking for new Supreme Court Justices.

If All of California was Stoned - How Would We Know?

2009-05-07T17:19:00.000-06:00

California is thinking about fixing to talk about legalizing da weed.

I imagine that would make living in California more tolerable.

Maybe they should legalize cigarettes first.

Maybe we should ask Ms. California about it.

I want to see it just so I can watch Billy Mays advertise it on TV.

This is a great lesson for the kids; If you run out of money you can just sell drugs.

I'll be investing in brownie futures.

My Interview with Howie Mandel

2009-05-01T08:32:00.000-06:00

I am about to play my interview with Mr Howie here in a few minutes.

Highlights will include his discussing his new show Howie does it
...and his new season on Deal or No Deal.

He was very excited about working with a monkey this season...!?

I asked him if the Banker has recieved his federal bailout money. He claims to never have met the banker...He says he just sits in a dark room with no pants on.

I think he makes up what the banker says to the contestants...but he denies it.

I also asked if he ever goes backstage with a box of donuts and asks the suitcase girls "Meal...or no meal?" He says he is not allowed backstage where the girls and monkey dress up. He said the monkey does not wear pants either. Seems to be alot of pantless people on that show!

When I figure out how to post audio files on this here blogspot I will put it up...

Tune in!!

Sarah Palin to Appear on American Chopper.

2009-04-30T14:35:00.000-06:00

Turns out the hockey mom is also a motorcycle maven.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin recently welcomed the crew from Orange County Choppers – whose custom motorcycle business is featured on TLC's American Chopper – to Anchorage where show star Paul Teutul Sr. researched building a bike to honor Alaska's 50-year anniversary of being a state. "It means so much to the state of Alaska that these guys are building this bike that will honor statehood here," Palin says in the episode, airing April 30 at 9 p.m.

Paul Sr. hangs out with the Governor in her office and talks about the Alaskan weather, snowmobiling and fishing in the summer. "I inherit whatever [husband] Todd rejects from the year before," Palin says. After inviting the OCC crew back for the summer months, she suggests having fun Alaska style, saying, "We'll ride the bike to the fishing hole." Although initially nervous about the meeting, Paul Sr. says that he felt Palin was "a real down to earth person to talk to."

From Alaska, the OCC crew heads to Finland in an effort to market their bikes overseas.

People Magazine

This show is still on??

So Alaska is 50 years old, and that is what a 50 year old does; Buy a Harley and start hitting on the MILF's.

I hope they install a gun-rack on the bike, so Ms Sarah can still hunt wolves from the chopper.

It will be the first chopper to run on Goverment Earmarks.

Sarah can actually see Paul SR. from her house...who can't?

The Govenor will add her own polar bear seat cover, little lipstick on that hog...and then sell it on E-Bay like her plane.

Also on TLC: Don't miss Bristol Palin on the next Miami Ink as she gets a "I Heart Wasilla" Tattoo.

It's HAM-AGEDDON ! ...or the Aporkalypse.

2009-04-30T14:12:00.000-06:00

Pig flu an STD??

Who's going to the Egyptian Bacon Festival?

I guess the moniker "Swine Flu" is offensive.

You can put lipstick on a pig-flu, but it is still a pig-flu!

I suggest we call it:

Ham-arrhea

Chupacabra disease

Mad-Pig-disease

Here's the Swine Flu Drink:

2pt Tequila

1pt Pedialyte

1 pt Tamiflu

serve with a pork rind.

Of course the Conspiracy theories are spreading worse than the R2D2 flu.

The aliens and illuminati are trying to start the New World order, or maybe, start the global war on pigs. And, of course, JFK died from "Magic-bullet Flu."

I'll be wearing my tin-foil mask in the quarantine camps.

Seventh Annual Corn Harvest

2009-04-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

...as in Corn Snow.

$7000 raised for the Colorado Avalanche Information Center.

Great time and great snow!

New York City Needs a New Pair of Pants Today

2009-04-28T15:29:00.000-06:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/04/28/low.flying.plane/index.html

NEW YORK (CNN) -- After a YouTube video showed panicked New Yorkers scrambling as a Boeing 747 flew frighteningly close to the lower Manhattan skyline, a former Homeland Security adviser questioned whether the man who approved the flyby should remain in his White House office.

Fran Townsend, who advised President George W. Bush for more than three years, called the move "crass insensitivity" in the wake of 9/11.
"I'd call this felony stupidity. This is probably not the right job for Mr. Caldera to be in if he didn't understand the likely reaction of New Yorkers, of the mayor," Townsend said Tuesday on CNN's "American Morning."
Louis Caldera, director of the White House Military Office, quickly apologized for Monday's incident after the planes prompted workers and residents to evacuate buildings in New York and New Jersey. Watch Townsend slam Caldera »
"Last week, I approved a mission over New York. I take responsibility for that decision," Caldera said. "While federal authorities took the proper steps to notify state and local authorities in New York and New Jersey, it's clear that the mission created confusion and disruption."
The Federal Aviation Administration said the aircraft, which functions as Air Force One when the president is aboard, was taking part in a classified, government-sanctioned photo shoot.

When will the White House learn to use Photoshop like the Iranians?

Next they will "suprise" Southern California with some controlled burns.

If the Mayor's assistant had actually been ON the plane, he could have landed it in the Hudson, shot some pirates, and been a hero.

I thought the "Mission Accomplished" Banner on the Statue was bit uncalled for.

Mad Pig Disease

2009-04-28T15:26:00.000-06:00

It's a ham-demic!

Swine Flu has migrated north now taking the jobs that the lazy American flu's won't do.

Hygiene for Mutants

2009-04-23T10:28:00.000-06:00

The hot new movie this summer is the new Wolverine flick. The merchandising has already begun. Beside the usual Wolverine themed happy meals and toys we now have some cross-over merchandising with the Wolverine Schick Quattro Razor, Behold:

I could see a Wolverine Slap-chopper to go with my ShamWow.
But a Schick Quattro tie-in? That doesn't make a lot of sense;
First off the Quattro has four blades whereas Wolverine has 3.
Secondly,Wolverines blades are made from Adamantium not Titanium.
And Finally the Wolverine does not shave, Next to Robin Williams he is one of the hairiest mutants out there. I don't get it.

Hugh Jackman, the actor portraying the mutant super-hero, is also starring in the recently released Australia movie. I haven't seen much Australia merchandising yet.
They should market the Schick Australia Razor...You know...so you can shave "down under".

wink.

Happy "Take Your Kids to Work Day!"

2009-04-23T10:21:00.000-06:00

...Or as Sarah Palin calls it; "Thursday"

The president wanted to bring his girls to work today. But They have some tax-problems and I don't expect Congress to approve it.

GM auto workers will have their own "Take your kids to get paid while you don't work" Day.

Seat Belts

2009-04-23T10:00:00.000-06:00

Link
A last-ditch effort to allow police to stop drivers for not wearing their seat belts is underway in hopes of luring $20 million in federal funds to the state. State Rep. Joe Rice, D-Littleton, said that in the past he has sponsored seat-belt bills because they save lives, but this time, part of his motive is federal transportation dollars offered to states as an incentive for tougher seat-belt laws. "Twenty-million dollars in our economy; I think that's huge," he said. The bill, by Rice and Senate President pro tem Betty Boyd, D-Lakewood, is scheduled to be introduced this week.

The seat belt debate is on again here in Colorado. 20 million dollars of Federal Monies at stake.
We just went through this, but there was not all that free cash to be had...

Some suggestions to the law-makers.
Seat belts should not be required on I-70...seeing as how no one goes fast enough to warrant them.

I like the Texas drivers who have their names stamped into their seat belts, with a gun holster attached. The seat belt could also be used as a really cool bandalero!

I am proud to say that in every red-light camera picture they have ever sent me I am wearing my seat belt as I run the light.

This is Colorado; ski state USA.
They should just put a chair lift safety bar as manditory equipment in each car.
However, I bet that even if I was driving alone, someone would find a way to drop the bar on my head without telling me.

I've Been Everywhere Man.

2009-04-22T12:10:00.000-06:00

So I was Listening to Johnny Cash's classic "I've been everywhere man" and I realized I have been to most everywhere he mentions. I thought I would check it out closer to see how many I actually had been to. After much googling and map looking I came up with a pretty accurate list.

Out of the 91 places mentioned in the song I have been to all but 16.

The list follows:

1. Reno, Yes
2. Chicago, Yes
3. Fargo, Yes
4. Minnesota, Yes
5. Buffalo, Yes
6. Toronto, Yes
7. Winslow, Yes
8. Sarasota, Yes
9. Wichita, Yes
10. Tulsa, Yes
11. Ottawa Yes,
12. Oklahoma, Yes
13. Tampa, Yes
14. Panama, Nope
15. Mattawa, WA? Most Likely
16. La Paloma, TX? Most Likely
17. Bangor, Yes
18. Baltimore, Yes
19. Salvador, Nope
20. Amarillo, Yes
21. Tocapillo, Chile? Nope
22. Baranquilla, Columbia? Nope
23. Perdilla, Where?
24. Boston, Yes
25. Charleston, Yes
26. Dayton, Yes
27. Louisiana, Yes
28. Washington, Yes
29. Houston, Yes
30. Kingston, Nope
31. Texarkana, Yes
32. Monterey, Yes
33. Faraday, Australia? Nope
34. Santa Fe, Yes
35. Tallapoosa, Yes
36. Glen Rock, Not Sure
37. Black Rock, Yes
38. Little Rock, Yes
39. Oskaloosa, Yes
40. Tennessee, Yes
41. Hennessey, OK? Close
42. Chicopee, MA? Yes
43. Spirit Lake, Iowa Yes
44. Grand Lake, Yes
45. Devils Lake, ND? Probably not, come close
46. Crater Lake, Yes
47. Louisville, Yes
48. Nashville, Yes
49. Knoxville, Yes
50. Ombabika, ND Yes
51. Schefferville, QC? Nope
52. Jacksonville, Yes
53. Waterville, Yes
54. Costa Rica, Nope
55. Pittsfield, Yes
56. Springfield, Most all Yes
57. Bakersfield, Yes
58. Shreveport, Yes
59. Hackensack, Yes
60. Cadillac, Yes
61. Fond du Lac, Yes
62. Davenport, Yes
63. Idaho, Yes
64. Jellico, Close enough
65. Argentina, Nope
66. Diamantina, Brazil? Nope
67. Pasadena, Yes
68. Catalina, Nope
69. Pittsburgh, Yes
70. Parkersburg, Yes
71. Gravelbourg, SK? Nope
72. Colorado, Yes
73. Ellisburg, Most of them
74. Rexburg, Close enough
75. Vicksburg, Yes
76. Eldorado, Yes
77. Larimore, Close enough
78. Admore, Philly close enough?
79. Haverstraw, Nope
80. Chatanika Nope
81. Chaska, Minneapolis close enough?
82. Nebraska, Yes
83. Alaska, Nope
84. Opelika, AL? Yes
85. Baraboo, Nope
86. Waterloo, Yes
87. Kalamazoo, Yes
88. Kansas City, Yes
89. Sioux City, Yes
90. Cedar City, Yes
91. Dodge City, Yes

I guess this means I have 16 places to visit before I die.
If I made trips to Alaska, Australia and South America I could get most all of them...
Hmmmm.....

Square State Sponge Maps; 4 Corners off by 2.5 miles.

2009-04-20T12:35:00.000-06:00

We have all done it. Drove all that way up to the 4-corners of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico and The Iraqs.

We put our hands in one state each and our feet in the other - seemingly, to occupy four states at one time. ( Something only Michael Moore does without much effort)

FAIL. we were still in Arizona at the time. The marker is 2.5 miles off...

2.5 miles off!!

Link

Now I guess we all have to go back and find the right spot. Maybe this was the idea...

All these years with GPS and we are just now figuring this out?

How many folks re-calibrated their GPS using this marker?

Madonna Falls off Horse, Immediately Climbs Right Back On A-Rod.

2009-04-20T09:52:00.000-06:00

Madonna suffered "minor injuries and bruises" Saturday while horseback riding in New York's Hamptons, her publicist has announced.
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20273540,00.html

Madonna has fallen on stage She fell off a bike and fell off a horse back in 2005. She is OK and expected to be back on her knees very soon.

She likes riding the horses, I think that way she can convince people those are actually just "Saddle Sores."

She can't adopt an African child, so she was riding a horse around the improvished Hamptons looking for another child to adopt when the accident happened.

Argentina is now, in fact, crying for her.

OctoMom Diapers Leak.

2009-04-16T15:10:00.000-06:00

Leaked to the internet today...

Octo-Mom has trademarked her moniker and looking to license it to diapers and clothing. A reality show is in the works and hopefully she turned down the porn offers.

I forsee the hot-dog/bun dilemma; The babies come in packages of eight while the diapers come in packages of 12.

Maybe she should endorse the eight-pack of home pregnancy tests.

Some other items she may want to endorse; Turkey basters, catcher's mitts, matchbook clown cars ....

I will be getting the Octo-Mom action figure. It's pretty cool - the uterus transforms into a school bus!

http://cnnwire.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/15/octomom-diapers-tv-show-possible/

The Dale Earnhardt Jr GPS

2009-04-16T15:01:00.000-06:00

Dale Earnhardt Jr does not take his novelty product branding responsibilities lightly, I'll have you know. This Rightway GPS unit goes whole-hog, featuring his voice, his car and advice about his favorite "waterin' holes".
This GPS unit, which is real, by the way, has gotten the whole Dale Jr treatment, complete with Earnhardt-oriented points of interest and the driver's actual voice, which dopily urges you to do things like "hang a left!" to "park it! we're here!" and to "back'er down!" On the practical side of things, it's $229 and runs Navteq's decent map data set. So, 88!
http://i.gizmodo.com/5212824/official-dale-earnhardt-jr-gps-unit-will-sadly-only-direct-you-in-circles

Finally a device that will tell you where you left your pack of Winstons.

Using Dale Jr's voice it will just keep telling you to "turn left," "Hold ma beer and watch this..." Of course this is all set to Banjo background music.

Perfect for your dashboard Dale shrine. Of course most people will set it up just to watch it crash.

It works pretty well, except that every street is labeled "Victory Lane."

This is better than the Dale Earnhardt SR GPS unit...It only instructed you to drive into the walls.
(I Know...tasteless...)

Sarah Palin Names Obama's Dog "Bo"

2009-04-13T15:52:00.000-06:00

Does Congress have to approve the dog? I didn't even get to see any of the Presidential Dog debates...

Next, Obama must appoint a Dog-Czar to pick up all the little stimulus packages left behind.

Ya got to love a new White House Staffer who can create their own Carbon-Credits.

Maybe John Edwards can take the dog to his groomers.

I know of a $400,000 wardrobe the dog could use....

At least the President waited until AFTER the Easter Egg Hunt on the front lawn to get a dog.

Of Course the dog's pedigree is being called into question, and the White House is refusing to release the papers.

I wonder how much in back-taxes the water-dog owes?

Who Wants to Marry a Pirate? 4 contestants just voted off!

2009-04-13T15:43:00.000-06:00

The next Somali reality show will have to be "Who Wants to Marry a Guy with a Goat."

Amazing turn of events this weekend.

Can't waterboard the pirates, after five days in a life raft waterboarding would be like a soothing massage.

The Navy is assembling a bunch of Davy Jones Lockers as we speak. The lockers are made by Ikea these days and they only have one of those allen-wrenches to use so they are all not quite ready yet.

I predict Hollywood will now start with a bunch of (non-caribbean) pirate movies. Harrison Ford will take on a somali pirate gang and then go after some nigerian email scammers.

You read it here first!

The Bow Heard 'Round the World.

2009-04-09T15:14:00.000-06:00

Did he or didn't he??

He didn't bow...
he was ducking a shoe thrown at him.
You can't see it in the video but really, he was "ducking."
That or he dropped his iPod he was about to give the King.
I would have bowed too, those guys usually keep some kind of saber under their robes.

Why is every time I see a news report out of Saudi Arabia it looks like everyone just got out of the shower!?

He should of sent Hillary, We know for a fact that she cannot bend at the waist.

Somali Pirates Pick on the Wrong Ship.

2009-04-08T10:13:00.000-06:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,513183,00.html

The Somali Pirates have hijacked an American cargo ship now. They are asking for ransome monies, I guess all that eye-liner and hair beads are getting expensive. Apparently piracy is a recession proof job, with excellent executive compensation plans. They must be Union Pirates.

Surely there are some out-of-work ninjas that could be some help here. Or maybe we should call out the Indian Navy again. All I know is that Cap't Stubing would not stand for this! He'd send Isaac with a couple of his famous malatov cocktails to take care of those pesky pirates.

Mow Your Lawn with a Wii Remote.

2009-04-08T09:49:00.000-06:00

Robot lawnmower controlled by Nintendo Wii remote unveiled
Scientists at the University of Southern Denmark have unveiled the Casmobot robotic lawnmower, which is operated using a Nintendo Wii remote.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/technology/technologynews/5113718/Robot-lawnmower-controlled-by-Nintendo-Wii-remote-unveiled.html

So this lawnmower is connected, via bluetooth, to a Wii remote. You can sit in your lawnchair and mow your lawn, and drink your beer. Terrific. Now your lawnmower is connected to the internet. Be careful it does not spend all it's time updating it's own facebook page.

You thought people talking on cell phone while driving was annoying... just wait till they are driving and mowing their lawns at the same time. Maybe your lawnmower can pick up a virus and start crashing. Ever seen a blue lawn of death?

Could your lawnmower text you; "d00d U R out O gas." "Change my bag" "srry bout the sprklr hed"

I think I would prefer THIS mower...

No more CHIA-OBAMAS...Oh Noes!

2009-04-07T10:43:00.000-06:00

http://consumerist.com/5201135/chia-obama-pulled-from-walgreens-shelves

Walgreens is pulling the Chia-Obama. Apparently it does not match their corporate image. I guess they need room on the counters for their chocolate flavored KY jellies.

I had no idea there even was a Chia-Obama. It is perfect for anybody's Obama-Alter. It comes with a Chia-Teleprompter and costs only 3.5 trillion dollars. Joe Biden will come water your Chia-Obama personally. (His day-timer is pretty open these days.) Instead of starting another hedge fund you can now just start a hedge for your yard. Much more popular than the Chia-Cheney, which as you know, has no hair at all and won't grow anything.

Like the Obama coin this is just a Chia-Shaggy with a sticker applied. They don't need the sun to grow a luxurious head of green hair...but it does help if you face him towards Mecca.

I imagine the President himself should buy these up. They would make great gifts for the Queen and other heads of state that Obama may visit. Then he can send the rest to Afganistan.

I am headed to Walgreens to buy up the last of the Chia-Presidents and start a chia-farm to combat Global Warming.

North Korea Launches Satellite into Ocean.

2009-04-06T16:06:00.000-06:00

The satellite will still orbit the earth...but from underwater.
Obama responds by launching an intercontinental iPod full of his speeches.

Moab Mountain Unicycle Fest 2009

2009-04-06T15:38:00.000-06:00

Moab is the Mecca for the adrenaline junkie. Once again over 200 unicyclists hit the trails and slickrocks of Moab. Kim and I had a great weekend, despite being stuck for two extra days waiting on a rear axle-bearing for my explorer.