Marathon Key, Florida

King of Conch!


What's the best way to inflate a large inflatable pirate??



With an AAARRRRRRR-compressor.

With a Bilge-pump.

sorry....

I Baked a Cake for My Girlfriend for Valentine's Day.

I havent baked a cake since I can't remember when.

I learned she liked Red Velvet Cake, I bought two boxes and two pans.
I bought the frosting that comes in the plastic tubs.
My grocery store did not carry the fondant stuff so I made my own.


Or:
A Noobie Baker tries to make a cake "like they do on TV!"

I used a mini-marshmallow/ powdered sugar base for the fodant that was the hugest mess, but fun and yummy.

I used the left over frosting and packed it into a sandwich bag. I cut the tip a tiny bit and it worked OK. I wouldn't recommend it and I would have gotten a piping bag and some tips had I known. The plastic bag changed shapes at the tip allowing for some different effects as I went.

The roses are the most succesful part, I think, and pretty easy to make. You just squish rose petal shaped pieces together until it makes a rose. I just used some red coloring in the marshmallow mix.

She loved it!!

Boy Scouts, Girls Scouts, Cubs and Cookies.

An essay from a Boy Scout dropout about Girl Scout Cookies.
Or more things I know nothing about.

Girl Scout cookies are awesome, no doubt, everyone agrees. We all have our sinful favorite. Little pieces of heaven sent to earth in green and yellow boxes.

Boy Scouts do not sell cookies, unless they join the Girl Scouts. Which I guess is perfectly acceptable these days. I am not sure I would want to buy a cookie made by Boy Scouts. I've seen how the Boy Scouts cook and it usually involves skinning a rabbit at some point.

I am not going to wax poetically about the heavenly delights of the Somoa or the frozen Thin Mint. I don't even hardly wax my own skis much less anything poetic. But Cookie season is upon us again, and I must address it's grip on our generation. It is the cult of the cookie that fascinates me. What made these confections so amazingly popular? Why are keys to the cookie held by the tweens in beanies and sashes? What exactly is Scouting, and why does it require neckerchiefs?

The cookies are true Americana, a throw back to a simpler time; when community was important and was made up of your neighbors. When trust was spread around like DDT. Like milk delivered to a box on your porch, Girl Scout cookies are more American than Dick Clark playing baseball with Dale Earnhardt.

Cookies were sold primarily door to door. A young lady in a clean and pressed uniform would show up at your door. . The uniform was comforting. It was official, people look up to people in uniform. Their Mother was always usually close by, off the steps or in the car. It was perfectly natural and normal. Then this wholesome, smiling, little girl in pig-tails would work you over like a side-show barker and take you for thirty bucks. Cookie sales is basically a gateway program that leads to harder lady-centric marketing programs like Avon and Mary Kay.

But nowadays they don't even come around door-to-door anymore. Now days you buy cookies from Girl Scouts at the grocery store. Located between the charcoal and the Coinstar machine they congregate around a fold up table stacked high with tagalongs and do-si-does. They don't even bother to wear the uniforms anymore either. How do I know I am not just buying cookies that "fell off a truck?" Mom is still, at least, close by - teaching their youngsters the joys of multi-level marketing.

The only other way to procure the cookies is because somebodies Mom or Dad will bring them in to the office. They shamelessly pedal their low-fat crack to their co-workers. How they find time between doing their kid's homework, and driving them to the malls, to go sell their cookies for them - I will never figure out.

Boy Scouts help old ladies across the street, and Girl Scouts sell the cookies. They both get badges and have to wear funny hats. That's what most people know about scouting. People who actually were scouts as kids talk about the experience like Catholics talk about their reformation classes. It is part of that childhood history we put in the back of our minds with the headgear and retainers. Never to be mentioned again.

It turns out the organizations couldn't be further apart, . They are two very different types of youth groups indeed. When Girl Scouts get together it does not usually involve pocket knives, rubbing sticks or lashing knots. Actually, I am not sure what they did when they had their meetings. To this day I never really know what is happening in groups of women, even when I, a lone male, am privy to a party of females...I still don't really know what's going on.

I was a Cub Scout, Then I moved into the Boy Scouts for a short career. I never even made it to the Boy Scout's first level. Tenderfoot was the gimme/entry level beginner status, and I didn't even make it that far. I was basically in the untouchable caste of Boy Scouts, lower than the lowest. I didn't last long. I received one merit badge as a scout; my badge wasn't for anything cool like First-Aid or Landing Planes in the Hudson River, I got a badge for Soil and Water Conservation, yeah, I spent a few hours learning about erosion and took a test. I passed, I got a badge.

Cub Scouts was fun, we never sold cookies though. We sold some stuff door-to-door, but none of it ever had the selling power of the famous cookies. We sold, instead, tickets to the Scout-O-Rama. The Scout-O-Rama was a convention for scouts, neighbors bought the tickets and never went. They were just donations. It was a shakedown scam, but I wore the uniform so it was OK.

Scouting is great for kids to get involved in,(at least until it becomes just another Facebook group). I am all for scouting! It gets kids out of the house, working with each other, being social and creative and learning new things. Scouting is teaching our kids about team-building so when they go to work as adults they will be better prepared for when they have to go spend their weekends team-building.

All kidding aside I truly do believe in the value of such organizations. I come from a family of Eagle Scouts. The black-belt/PHD of the Boy Scouts. From my Grandfather, Uncles and Dad I have learned to be prepared, to be clean, reverent and truthful. I learned the value of a sharp knife and dry down. Scouting had a profound effect on my lifestyle. Even though I didn't get the badges, I went camping and went to the Pack Meetings. I learned an appreciation for the outdoors and Bear Gryllis.

Most folks I seem to meet on the trails had some background in Scouting too, I can tell because their packs are much bigger and heavier. Scouts are always annoyingly more "prepared" than everyone else. It is a handicap instilled in us early on. It is still really hard for me to go on even a short hike behind the house without bringing an eight-pound axe, 50 feet of rope, and iodine tablets. I can't even leave the house without a knife and a lighter. You never know when you might be stuck at the Safeway overnight and have to build a fire to survive.

Cookies are yummy, Scouts are prepared. Please, please encourage your children to be scouts, and send them around to my place with some cookies or Scout-O-Rama tickets. I am going to need help crossing streets soon too.



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My Cats Want to Eat Me.

My Cats Want to Eat me.

I am pretty sure.

Once I learned that you only have to be a few hours dead before your loyal, loving cats will start to eat you- I have never looked at them the same since. Thats right, our cute little feline friends just consider us as a warm meal. Sorry to say, but I am convinced.

They may wait till their usual meal time has come and gone, giving you the benefit of the doubt. But I think as soon as they know you're gone; they'll start right in. Cats are opprotunists after all, and our still, lifeless body is just the ultimate kitty buffet. Sure it's just survival for them. And I am sure we would even want our favorite fluff balls to eat us if we can no longer provide for them. We are, after all, part of the food chain too. It is our destiny...eaten by worms or eaten by cats. Doesn't really matter much now does it. At least worms won't barf you back up 20 minutes after eating you.

Ever catch your cat just staring at you? They are just waiting...and watching . Cats tolorate your annoying habit of still living because you can work a can opener and they cannot. So they wait. Every day they will crawl up on your lap or on your chest and get their face right up in yours. We think it's cute, or a sign of affection, but no...they are seeing if you are still breathing. They take a little sample of your breath and caculate how much longer you may have. Do you think your cats are licking on you with their little raspy tongues because they like you, or need salt, or are just "grooming" you like their mothers did? NO...they are tasting you and wondering what wine will go with you best. My cats will wail and cry if you shut them out of a room if even for a few minutes, they are afraid I am going to die in there and they will not be able to get in. Every time I lie down on the bed or couch they are both on top of me in an instant, holding me down, waiting...watching.

I guess I can't really blame the cats, we control most every aspect of their survival. We let them in and out, we change the litter and give them treats. We hold the sacred knowledge of the mysteries of the holy electric can opener, We are more than their landlords, more than a benevolent dictator, we are their Gods and they fear us. I know that if I were the cats I would not want to be trapped in a situation where I could not fend for myself. Outside, in the world, cats are pretty much top of the food chain, but indoors they are as helpless as infants. We are their plan B, their best contingency option, we are their Y2K stash of canned food and glow sticks.

Sometimes I wonder where the cats would start in first? Most predators and scavengers start with the eyes first, easy and quick protein and a delicacy for most. Then maybe some tongue, also easily accessable and delicious. Occasionally cleaning their pallettes by munching on refreshing houseplant salad. But after that the meals get more difficult. Luckily cats are equipped with Ginsu knives for fingers and they have been keeping them sharp on your lazy-boy for this very day. At some point I would hope that they would have a go at the can opener but I am sure they would figure out it's hopeless pretty quick...so they go back to scratching and gnawing at your entrails. Thankful for all the bran you religiously ate.

I figure your basic american corpse could keep a cat fed for months.( My personal skinny stick figure would be gone in an afternoon).You would be like a Las Vegas buffett, a little different every time you went back. The cats would return for as long as possible or until they ran out of coupons.

After a month or so mice and other vermin would work there way in to the house, providing some new tasty snacks. Without your maintenance an escape from the house would present itself eventually, so your cherished pets could continue on while you did not. The dog would stay alive simply by foraging in the cat box. Your loyal best friend would die right along with you before he ever even considered laying a paw on you, unless you died, somehow, covered in bacon.

So I am on to you my little furry, purry pets.I know what you are planning. In fact I am sending this to my Lawyers so if I turn up missing they can deliver it to animal control.

Living with carniverous predators has it's risks, and I am prepared for the consequences. How ironic that after thousands of years of evolution due to a millinia of escaping cave bears and saber tooth tigers - I will still be eaten by the common housecat.



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Photo Safari of Japan

After hearing Japanese for three weeks it's nice to be back in America where we all speak spanish.


The kids are so cute there.


Thee guys didn't seem to happy to have their pic taken...I did ask politely!!





Mt Fuji!! ^^






Keep scrolling!!
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Tokyo

Went to the Ginza District. Home of the world's priciest real estate. Even more expensive than Aspen. ( 1 very small 1 bed apt = 3.25 million dollars)

Saw the ancient baroque Kabuki theater. The famous Tsukiji Fish Market, and just hung out and window shopped, and people watched.

Fish Market:


Lights of Tokyo and the Rainbow Bridge.

More of Japan

Osaka

Spent an hour or two in Osaka port today, Tomorrow I'll have more to time to hang out in Nagoya Japan. Osaka was rather industrial around the port area, the cast is young and their first visit was to the McDonalds...(?) But they have free internet there so I joined them.

Pictures are from some of the areas I found in Osaka. They have Shinto Shrines all over the place, you throw a coin in the table, ring a giant jingle-bell, bow twice, clap twice, say a little prayer and bow some more. People come up all day and say their little prayers. The picture of the old man was taken at a shrine like that. He was very gracious and opened up the shrine doors for me to take pictures. I always throw some coins in the till and perform the ritual out of respect.

The boat is really rocking and pitching on the way to Nagoya, we are sailing all night. It's a bit annoying but thankfully it has not gotten me too queezy yet. It does rock you to sleep nicely.

I can't stop eating, this happens everytime I visit sea-level. I have to eat like a horse. My cabin is on the 6th floor which is about two floors above the water level so I guess my altitude most of the time is about 20 feet above sea level...big change from 9600 feet! I guess have to build up red-blood cells, hence the apetite.

Watched Columbo dubbed in Japanese yesterday, My favorite is a Korean soap-opera about Chinese history with Japanese subtitles. Like "Days-of-our-lives" but with Kung-fu action, I have no idea what's going on but the costumes and sets are amazing. Most of the time I can't figure out if I'm watching a game-show, talk show or info-mercial. Their TV shows incorporate all the elements. Their children's programming is totally weird...Barney on acid!

This blog was written while sitting on thre ground outside the Nagoya subway station where i could find some free wifi that works!

Disoriented in the Orient.

I am sore from bowing and smiling.

We had our first two shows yesterday. Part of show is to run to the back of the room for a meet-n-greet after the final number. Pretty standard for this type of show, and I didn't think much about it. Normally you just stand in a recieving line and shake people's hands as they file past... very much like a recieving line at a wedding. I was unprepared for the onslaught...

400 little Japanese people armed with digital cameras and cell-phones descended on the cast like a biblical plague of locusts. Their eyes shining, star-struck fans clamored to get at us for multiple photos each, shaking our hands vigorusly while bowing like an oil pump in a Texas field.

They lined up 20 deep and waited up to twenty minutes for a picture with little Scotto Bondosan and the others. I could not have possibly imagined this fate awaited me as I ran to the back of the room, had I known what was in store for me I very well may have kept running. Trouble is you can't run very far away on a ship.

The scene repeated itself as I walked around the ship later, meeting and greeting again as people recognized me as "the magico".




I had always heard that working on a cruise ship requires you to adhere to many rules. As an entertainer you have a few more freedoms, and exist somewhere above the regular staff and below the passengers. Here are a few rules from the employee handbook:
No private conversation while at work.
Don't fold your arms or sit "chin in hand"
no whistling.
Don't touch your face or hair while guests are present.
Making use of items that have touched the floor.
nop pinching food.
no pointing at guests.
no blowing your breath against food, beverages, or tableware.
Yawning or picking your nose.





Pictures from Kobe. I finally was allowed off the ship as we had a few hours in port. The first place the cast wanted to visit was Starbucks. I was totally down with that.

Other notes:


Every time I turn on the bathroom light switch I can hear the toilet literally Boot-up. I'm afraid the toilet here might be connected to the internet, and my morning visit is considered "uploading."

I watched Monday Night Football with Japanese Sports commentators. Reducing the National Football League to something more like Ninja Warrior. Every time Someone got tackled or ran out of bounds I expected them to fall into a pool of muddy water.

Cruise ships are not the most quiet way of travel. It grumbles and groans and creaks more than Andy Rooney on a bicycle.

It's not "Merry Christmas" here by the way, it's "Happy-Merry Christmas."

I saw an Obama speech on the news just now. I was wondering where they found a Kenyan-to-Japanese translator.





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Kobe Lights

The Ferris wheel fills up my cabin window. It was kinda amazing to come into my room and see that. We were practicing with dress rehearsals this afternoon, and I had not had a chance to look out the windows since we arrived.

First show tomorrow, I think I am ready.




The afore mentioned toilet in my room.
Took awhile to figure out how the shower worked.






...

Hola from Japan

Picture of the instructions for my toilet:
A seat warmer is easy to get used to!!




If accidented don't use all toilets...huh?

As we arrived in Osaka at the Kansai Airport I immediatly knew I was not in Kansas anymore. I passed through an infra-red scanner at one point, as they checked my heat levels for signs of fever. I'm not sure what they would do if I" came in hot?" Everyone at the airport who works with the public was wearing their white masks, looked more like a hospital than an airport. They had on masks but no gloves...odd. I think I would rather wear the gloves if I was so concerned.

Osaka airport isreally one of the coolest in the world. Built on a manmade island out in the bay. I remember instantly when I saw it that I had watched a Discovery channel documentary on it's construction. Reminds me of DIA in it's layout with the trains. Instead of teepee towers however The concourse is an undulating snake of polished aluminum. I could've hung out there for awhile but we had a three hour bus trip to get to the ship.

I have to duck my head a lot while on the boat.

It's perfectly fashionable to wear eye-glass frames...without the actual glass lenses.

Tomorrow night we leve for Kobe to pick up passengers. Here we go! Stay tuned!

How Cold is it??

It's So Cold...

Pine beetles are eating and killing toasters.
Hitchhikers on Loveland Pass are holding out pictures of thumbs.
The Salahi couple are crashing house fires.
Brittany is going out without wearing her long-underwear.
Polar bears seen buying snuggies.
Jessica Simpson now selling cream for goose-pimples.
The Heeney Family now begging for the electric chair.
George Michael now carrying around flannel condoms.
Richard Simmons is actually wearing pants.
Ted Williams head can go out on it's own.
Iran has been secretly enriching hot cocoa.
I had to salt the shower before I got in.
Kids can't illegally text while wearing mittens.
Rod Blagojevich is wearing three toupees.
GM is unveiling a hybrid zamboni.
Even the brass monkeys are buying hand warmers.
Every now and then I have to restart my heart by shouting "Mush."

No matter how cold it is, it is still warmer than Tiger Woods house right now.