Wednesday, January 6, 2010

My Cats Want to Eat Me.

My Cats Want to Eat me.

I am pretty sure.

Once I learned that you only have to be a few hours dead before your loyal, loving cats will start to eat you- I have never looked at them the same since. Thats right, our cute little feline friends just consider us as a warm meal. Sorry to say, but I am convinced.

They may wait till their usual meal time has come and gone, giving you the benefit of the doubt. But I think as soon as they know you're gone; they'll start right in. Cats are opprotunists after all, and our still, lifeless body is just the ultimate kitty buffet. Sure it's just survival for them. And I am sure we would even want our favorite fluff balls to eat us if we can no longer provide for them. We are, after all, part of the food chain too. It is our destiny...eaten by worms or eaten by cats. Doesn't really matter much now does it. At least worms won't barf you back up 20 minutes after eating you.

Ever catch your cat just staring at you? They are just waiting...and watching . Cats tolorate your annoying habit of still living because you can work a can opener and they cannot. So they wait. Every day they will crawl up on your lap or on your chest and get their face right up in yours. We think it's cute, or a sign of affection, but no...they are seeing if you are still breathing. They take a little sample of your breath and caculate how much longer you may have. Do you think your cats are licking on you with their little raspy tongues because they like you, or need salt, or are just "grooming" you like their mothers did? NO...they are tasting you and wondering what wine will go with you best. My cats will wail and cry if you shut them out of a room if even for a few minutes, they are afraid I am going to die in there and they will not be able to get in. Every time I lie down on the bed or couch they are both on top of me in an instant, holding me down, waiting...watching.

I guess I can't really blame the cats, we control most every aspect of their survival. We let them in and out, we change the litter and give them treats. We hold the sacred knowledge of the mysteries of the holy electric can opener, We are more than their landlords, more than a benevolent dictator, we are their Gods and they fear us. I know that if I were the cats I would not want to be trapped in a situation where I could not fend for myself. Outside, in the world, cats are pretty much top of the food chain, but indoors they are as helpless as infants. We are their plan B, their best contingency option, we are their Y2K stash of canned food and glow sticks.

Sometimes I wonder where the cats would start in first? Most predators and scavengers start with the eyes first, easy and quick protein and a delicacy for most. Then maybe some tongue, also easily accessable and delicious. Occasionally cleaning their pallettes by munching on refreshing houseplant salad. But after that the meals get more difficult. Luckily cats are equipped with Ginsu knives for fingers and they have been keeping them sharp on your lazy-boy for this very day. At some point I would hope that they would have a go at the can opener but I am sure they would figure out it's hopeless pretty they go back to scratching and gnawing at your entrails. Thankful for all the bran you religiously ate.

I figure your basic american corpse could keep a cat fed for months.( My personal skinny stick figure would be gone in an afternoon).You would be like a Las Vegas buffett, a little different every time you went back. The cats would return for as long as possible or until they ran out of coupons.

After a month or so mice and other vermin would work there way in to the house, providing some new tasty snacks. Without your maintenance an escape from the house would present itself eventually, so your cherished pets could continue on while you did not. The dog would stay alive simply by foraging in the cat box. Your loyal best friend would die right along with you before he ever even considered laying a paw on you, unless you died, somehow, covered in bacon.

So I am on to you my little furry, purry pets.I know what you are planning. In fact I am sending this to my Lawyers so if I turn up missing they can deliver it to animal control.

Living with carniverous predators has it's risks, and I am prepared for the consequences. How ironic that after thousands of years of evolution due to a millinia of escaping cave bears and saber tooth tigers - I will still be eaten by the common housecat.



Kellems said...


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