Tuesday, September 29, 2009

For the Girl Who Has Everything; A Doll Who Has Nothing:

American Girl Doll Brand releasing Gwenn; The Homeless Doll.

Oscar the Grouch has been homeless for years, whats the big deal?

1: Buy the doll
2: Set it up at the exit ramp with a cardboard sign.
3: profit $$

Some more toys that "Create Awareness:"

Dora the Columbian Hostage.

Hello Kitty Crazy Cat-Lady starter kit: 300 kitty dolls and a book "Hoarding for Dummies"

The Strawberry Shortcake Binge-and-purge doll

Groovy-Girls Hepetitus C Crack-den playset.

Learn to cross dress Jake doll

Michael Moore Inaction-figure.

Lego's big bucket of forclosed homes.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Attention Aspen Residents: Hers some ways to be mean to Bears.

Aspen Encouraging Residents to be "Mean to Bears"

Jimmy Carter calls the policy racist.

Some Ways to be Mean to bears:

Interrupt their acceptance speeches. "Sorry bear I'll let you finish, but first I just want to say that Knut had a way cuter video."

Build them a football stadium in Chicago.

Unfriend them them on Facebook.

Take away their health care!

Switch their coffee to Folgers, see if they notice.

Lay-off the bears, replace them with Ellen DeGeneres.

Have Bob Barker swing by to nueter and spay them.

Re-negotiate their union contract.

Do what I do to my cats. A little piece of duct-tape on their tails.


Saturday, September 26, 2009

Florida Pictures.

I finally got around to posting these. I still have some of Kim's shots to go through. A great trip that we are still talking about. We tried to tickle out some lobster dinners but no luck...we'll catch some in February when we go back!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Worst Things about Having Sex With your Dad.

Mackenzie Phillips is re;leasing a book this week in which she reveals she had a ten-year incestuous relationship with her Father; John Phillips of the Mamas and Papas.


Worst Things about Having Sex With your Dad:

Now You know why Mom drank.

Even though you live together he calls you a cab anyway.

He still won't give you the cars keys.

You'll be late for school again.

Finding your sister's diaphragm in the sheets.

Makes for an awkward Father/Son day.

Having to watch all those Woody Allen movies.

Afterwards he leaves your allowance on the night stand.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Just Don't Drink the Water!

NASA set to announce tomorrow that they have found water on the moon!

NASA sent Bear Grylls up there to survive for seven days and apparently he found water!

Just in time to save the polar bears!

NASA took lots of pictures...but they all seem to be of the nude beach section.

People in Atlanta seem not too suprised.

First reports are thet the water is great, but the wave pool is a bit cold.

I Don't buy it...If there was water on the moon I would have sunk a golf ball in it already!


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Just Sleep it Hoff

Not only does America Got Talent...apparently America Gots Happy Hours too.

The Hoff admitted again to hospital for alcohol poisoning again.

They are fitting "Kitt the talking car" with a breathalyzer now.

From Baywatch to Suicide-watch.

Daughter Haley turning Dad in for the "Cash-for-drunkards" rebate program.

They don't even check his BAC anymore...they just test for cheeseburgers.

Alcohol poisening is when you drink so much you get a rash, you go to scratch it and it turns out to be just the kitchen floor.


Friday, September 18, 2009


ACORN: Seedy or Just Nutty??

Leave it to the Gov't to take the FUN out of FUNDING.

Now all my underage prostitutes are going to have to pay taxes. Darn it.
At least Craigslist is still free...

If it wasn't for ACORN then the Disney Characters would never had to opportunity to vote.

Don't worry...Halliburton is ready to step in and fill the void.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

heh heh heh

Rep Wilson gets the Pelosi Paddle!

Must write 1000 times "I will not interrupt the President" on chalk board.

Does this go on his permanenet record?

He should have just thrown a shoe...he'd be getting out of Iraqi prison by now.

...and of course it was not a lie. It was on the teleprompter! It has to be true!


Thursday, September 10, 2009

The three most popular books in Guantanamo Bay

From this Blog:

...There are now 13,500 books in the library at Guantanamo Bay, serving the remaining 229 prisoners.

And when the London based, pan-Arab daily Al-Hayat sent a reporter out there recently, he asked the librarian, in what must have been a fairly surreal encounter, which books were requested most frequently.

So we now know the most popular read material among the Guantanamo prisoners. The three most requested book, followed up by a string of Muslim religious volumes, are apparently:

1) The Harry Potter novels

2) Cervantes’ Don Quixote

3) Barack Obama’s Dreams from my Father

Don Quixote?? Really??

Here are some of the other top requested books at Guantanamo's library.

Escaping Prison for Dummies
(you would think would be the most requested)

Cuba on $5.00 a day

Martha Stwart's Essential Guide to Caring For Everthing in Your Jail Cell.

The Time Travveller's Property

Flat Abs Fast: Waterboard your Way to A Slimmer, Sexier Physique.

The Better Beard Book:

#1 Requested Magazine;
Sport Illustrated's Burka Issue.
(You can almost see some ankles in that issue!)


Thursday, September 3, 2009

President Obama to Address School Children

The President is set to address School Children in a special televised event.

He will be throwing out the first pop-quiz of the year.

Visual aids to include maps of the Iraqs and the other 57 states.

Followed by the Pledge of Allegiance to the President of the United States of America.

There will be a special health educational film shown too: "Our Health; Our Bodies" By Sarah Palin.

Speech followed up by hand-out comic strips "Goofus and Obama"

BTW: It won't be the real president, instead it will an Obama Muppet doing the talking.

This is just a practice dry-run of the speech he will give to congress the next day. He will have to dumb down the language for the congressional speech a bit though.


Disney Merges with Marvel Comics; Movies we can Expect Now.

You can't order X-Ray Specs from the back of a movie!

Disney Movies we can Expect Now:

Snow White and the Fantastic Seven

Swamp Thing; the Musical.

Beauty and the Dark beast.

Lilo and Hulk.

20,000 Justice Leagues Under the Sea.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Ways to Prepare for Winter During a Reccession:

Ways to Prepare for Winter During a Reccession:

You can stud your tires for free by driving around construction sites.

Steal the little packages of salt from restaurants to use on your driveway.

Send the kids out to operate a neighborhood TAMIFLU STAND.

Time to start canning the HotPockets.

Clean out your closets and move into them, or maybe rent them out.

Buy GM stock and burn it to keep warm. Cheaper than firewood.

Weatherize the house by stuffing recalled food into the cracks. Chinese Ecoli peanut butter makes great Caulking!

Instead of keeping blankets in the car for emergencies, just put a stray dog in there. They will keep you warm over night, and a dog keeps the car warmer so you don't have to warm the engine as much.