Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sarah Palin to Appear on American Chopper.

Turns out the hockey mom is also a motorcycle maven.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin recently welcomed the crew from Orange County Choppers – whose custom motorcycle business is featured on TLC's American Chopper – to Anchorage where show star Paul Teutul Sr. researched building a bike to honor Alaska's 50-year anniversary of being a state. "It means so much to the state of Alaska that these guys are building this bike that will honor statehood here," Palin says in the episode, airing April 30 at 9 p.m.

Paul Sr. hangs out with the Governor in her office and talks about the Alaskan weather, snowmobiling and fishing in the summer. "I inherit whatever [husband] Todd rejects from the year before," Palin says. After inviting the OCC crew back for the summer months, she suggests having fun Alaska style, saying, "We'll ride the bike to the fishing hole." Although initially nervous about the meeting, Paul Sr. says that he felt Palin was "a real down to earth person to talk to."

From Alaska, the OCC crew heads to Finland in an effort to market their bikes overseas.

People Magazine

This show is still on??

So Alaska is 50 years old, and that is what a 50 year old does; Buy a Harley and start hitting on the MILF's.

I hope they install a gun-rack on the bike, so Ms Sarah can still hunt wolves from the chopper.

It will be the first chopper to run on Goverment Earmarks.

Sarah can actually see Paul SR. from her house...who can't?

The Govenor will add her own polar bear seat cover, little lipstick on that hog...and then sell it on E-Bay like her plane.

Also on TLC: Don't miss Bristol Palin on the next Miami Ink as she gets a "I Heart Wasilla" Tattoo.

It's HAM-AGEDDON ! ...or the Aporkalypse.

Pig flu an STD??

Who's going to the Egyptian Bacon Festival?

I guess the moniker "Swine Flu" is offensive.

You can put lipstick on a pig-flu, but it is still a pig-flu!

I suggest we call it:


Chupacabra disease


Here's the Swine Flu Drink:

2pt Tequila

1pt Pedialyte

1 pt Tamiflu

serve with a pork rind.

Of course the Conspiracy theories are spreading worse than the R2D2 flu.

The aliens and illuminati are trying to start the New World order, or maybe, start the global war on pigs. And, of course, JFK died from "Magic-bullet Flu."

I'll be wearing my tin-foil mask in the quarantine camps.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Seventh Annual Corn Harvest in Corn Snow.

$7000 raised for the Colorado Avalanche Information Center.

Great time and great snow!

New York City Needs a New Pair of Pants Today

NEW YORK (CNN) -- After a YouTube video showed panicked New Yorkers scrambling as a Boeing 747 flew frighteningly close to the lower Manhattan skyline, a former Homeland Security adviser questioned whether the man who approved the flyby should remain in his White House office.

Fran Townsend, who advised President George W. Bush for more than three years, called the move "crass insensitivity" in the wake of 9/11.
"I'd call this felony stupidity. This is probably not the right job for Mr. Caldera to be in if he didn't understand the likely reaction of New Yorkers, of the mayor," Townsend said Tuesday on CNN's "American Morning."
Louis Caldera, director of the White House Military Office, quickly apologized for Monday's incident after the planes prompted workers and residents to evacuate buildings in New York and New Jersey. Watch Townsend slam Caldera »
"Last week, I approved a mission over New York. I take responsibility for that decision," Caldera said. "While federal authorities took the proper steps to notify state and local authorities in New York and New Jersey, it's clear that the mission created confusion and disruption."
The Federal Aviation Administration said the aircraft, which functions as Air Force One when the president is aboard, was taking part in a classified, government-sanctioned photo shoot.
When will the White House learn to use Photoshop like the Iranians?
Next they will "suprise" Southern California with some controlled burns.
If the Mayor's assistant had actually been ON the plane, he could have landed it in the Hudson, shot some pirates, and been a hero.
I thought the "Mission Accomplished" Banner on the Statue was bit uncalled for.

Mad Pig Disease

It's a ham-demic!

Swine Flu has migrated north now taking the jobs that the lazy American flu's won't do.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Hygiene for Mutants

The hot new movie this summer is the new Wolverine flick. The merchandising has already begun. Beside the usual Wolverine themed happy meals and toys we now have some cross-over merchandising with the Wolverine Schick Quattro Razor, Behold:

I could see a Wolverine Slap-chopper to go with my ShamWow.
But a Schick Quattro tie-in? That doesn't make a lot of sense;
First off the Quattro has four blades whereas Wolverine has 3.
Secondly,Wolverines blades are made from Adamantium not Titanium.
And Finally the Wolverine does not shave, Next to Robin Williams he is one of the hairiest mutants out there. I don't get it.

Hugh Jackman, the actor portraying the mutant super-hero, is also starring in the recently released Australia movie. I haven't seen much Australia merchandising yet.
They should market the Schick Australia Razor...You you can shave "down under".


Happy "Take Your Kids to Work Day!"

...Or as Sarah Palin calls it; "Thursday"

The president wanted to bring his girls to work today. But They have some tax-problems and I don't expect Congress to approve it.

GM auto workers will have their own "Take your kids to get paid while you don't work" Day.

Seat Belts

A last-ditch effort to allow police to stop drivers for not wearing their seat belts is underway in hopes of luring $20 million in federal funds to the state. State Rep. Joe Rice, D-Littleton, said that in the past he has sponsored seat-belt bills because they save lives, but this time, part of his motive is federal transportation dollars offered to states as an incentive for tougher seat-belt laws. "Twenty-million dollars in our economy; I think that's huge," he said. The bill, by Rice and Senate President pro tem Betty Boyd, D-Lakewood, is scheduled to be introduced this week.

The seat belt debate is on again here in Colorado. 20 million dollars of Federal Monies at stake.
We just went through this, but there was not all that free cash to be had...

Some suggestions to the law-makers.
Seat belts should not be required on I-70...seeing as how no one goes fast enough to warrant them.

I like the Texas drivers who have their names stamped into their seat belts, with a gun holster attached. The seat belt could also be used as a really cool bandalero!

I am proud to say that in every red-light camera picture they have ever sent me I am wearing my seat belt as I run the light.

This is Colorado; ski state USA.
They should just put a chair lift safety bar as manditory equipment in each car.
However, I bet that even if I was driving alone, someone would find a way to drop the bar on my head without telling me.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I've Been Everywhere Man.

So I was Listening to Johnny Cash's classic "I've been everywhere man" and I realized I have been to most everywhere he mentions. I thought I would check it out closer to see how many I actually had been to. After much googling and map looking I came up with a pretty accurate list.

Out of the 91 places mentioned in the song I have been to all but 16.

The list follows:

1. Reno, Yes
2. Chicago, Yes
3. Fargo, Yes
4. Minnesota, Yes
5. Buffalo, Yes
6. Toronto, Yes
7. Winslow, Yes
8. Sarasota, Yes
9. Wichita, Yes
10. Tulsa, Yes
11. Ottawa Yes,
12. Oklahoma, Yes
13. Tampa, Yes
14. Panama, Nope
15. Mattawa, WA? Most Likely
16. La Paloma, TX? Most Likely
17. Bangor, Yes
18. Baltimore, Yes
19. Salvador, Nope
20. Amarillo, Yes
21. Tocapillo, Chile? Nope
22. Baranquilla, Columbia? Nope
23. Perdilla, Where?
24. Boston, Yes
25. Charleston, Yes
26. Dayton, Yes
27. Louisiana, Yes
28. Washington, Yes
29. Houston, Yes
30. Kingston, Nope
31. Texarkana, Yes
32. Monterey, Yes
33. Faraday, Australia? Nope
34. Santa Fe, Yes
35. Tallapoosa, Yes
36. Glen Rock, Not Sure
37. Black Rock, Yes
38. Little Rock, Yes
39. Oskaloosa, Yes
40. Tennessee, Yes
41. Hennessey, OK? Close
42. Chicopee, MA? Yes
43. Spirit Lake, Iowa Yes
44. Grand Lake, Yes
45. Devils Lake, ND? Probably not, come close
46. Crater Lake, Yes
47. Louisville, Yes
48. Nashville, Yes
49. Knoxville, Yes
50. Ombabika, ND Yes
51. Schefferville, QC? Nope
52. Jacksonville, Yes
53. Waterville, Yes
54. Costa Rica, Nope
55. Pittsfield, Yes
56. Springfield, Most all Yes
57. Bakersfield, Yes
58. Shreveport, Yes
59. Hackensack, Yes
60. Cadillac, Yes
61. Fond du Lac, Yes
62. Davenport, Yes
63. Idaho, Yes
64. Jellico, Close enough
65. Argentina, Nope
66. Diamantina, Brazil? Nope
67. Pasadena, Yes
68. Catalina, Nope
69. Pittsburgh, Yes
70. Parkersburg, Yes
71. Gravelbourg, SK? Nope
72. Colorado, Yes
73. Ellisburg, Most of them
74. Rexburg, Close enough
75. Vicksburg, Yes
76. Eldorado, Yes
77. Larimore, Close enough
78. Admore, Philly close enough?
79. Haverstraw, Nope
80. Chatanika Nope
81. Chaska, Minneapolis close enough?
82. Nebraska, Yes
83. Alaska, Nope
84. Opelika, AL? Yes
85. Baraboo, Nope
86. Waterloo, Yes
87. Kalamazoo, Yes
88. Kansas City, Yes
89. Sioux City, Yes
90. Cedar City, Yes
91. Dodge City, Yes

I guess this means I have 16 places to visit before I die.
If I made trips to Alaska, Australia and South America I could get most all of them...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Square State Sponge Maps; 4 Corners off by 2.5 miles.

We have all done it. Drove all that way up to the 4-corners of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico and The Iraqs.

We put our hands in one state each and our feet in the other - seemingly, to occupy four states at one time. ( Something only Michael Moore does without much effort)

FAIL. we were still in Arizona at the time. The marker is 2.5 miles off...

2.5 miles off!!


Now I guess we all have to go back and find the right spot. Maybe this was the idea...

All these years with GPS and we are just now figuring this out?

How many folks re-calibrated their GPS using this marker?

Madonna Falls off Horse, Immediately Climbs Right Back On A-Rod.

Madonna suffered "minor injuries and bruises" Saturday while horseback riding in New York's Hamptons, her publicist has announced.,,20273540,00.html

Madonna has fallen on stage She fell off a bike and fell off a horse back in 2005. She is OK and expected to be back on her knees very soon.

She likes riding the horses, I think that way she can convince people those are actually just "Saddle Sores."

She can't adopt an African child, so she was riding a horse around the improvished Hamptons looking for another child to adopt when the accident happened.

Argentina is now, in fact, crying for her.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

OctoMom Diapers Leak.

Octo-Mom has trademarked her moniker and looking to license it to diapers and clothing. A reality show is in the works and hopefully she turned down the porn offers.
I forsee the hot-dog/bun dilemma; The babies come in packages of eight while the diapers come in packages of 12.
Maybe she should endorse the eight-pack of home pregnancy tests.
Some other items she may want to endorse; Turkey basters, catcher's mitts, matchbook clown cars ....
I will be getting the Octo-Mom action figure. It's pretty cool - the uterus transforms into a school bus!

The Dale Earnhardt Jr GPS

Dale Earnhardt Jr does not take his novelty product branding responsibilities lightly, I'll have you know. This Rightway GPS unit goes whole-hog, featuring his voice, his car and advice about his favorite "waterin' holes".
This GPS unit, which is real, by the way, has gotten the whole Dale Jr treatment, complete with Earnhardt-oriented points of interest and the driver's actual voice, which dopily urges you to do things like "hang a left!" to "park it! we're here!" and to "back'er down!" On the practical side of things, it's $229 and runs Navteq's decent map data set. So, 88!

Finally a device that will tell you where you left your pack of Winstons.

Using Dale Jr's voice it will just keep telling you to "turn left," "Hold ma beer and watch this..." Of course this is all set to Banjo background music.

Perfect for your dashboard Dale shrine. Of course most people will set it up just to watch it crash.

It works pretty well, except that every street is labeled "Victory Lane."

This is better than the Dale Earnhardt SR GPS unit...It only instructed you to drive into the walls.
(I Know...tasteless...)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Sarah Palin Names Obama's Dog "Bo"

Does Congress have to approve the dog? I didn't even get to see any of the Presidential Dog debates...

Next, Obama must appoint a Dog-Czar to pick up all the little stimulus packages left behind.

Ya got to love a new White House Staffer who can create their own Carbon-Credits.

Maybe John Edwards can take the dog to his groomers.

I know of a $400,000 wardrobe the dog could use....

At least the President waited until AFTER the Easter Egg Hunt on the front lawn to get a dog.

Of Course the dog's pedigree is being called into question, and the White House is refusing to release the papers.

I wonder how much in back-taxes the water-dog owes?

Who Wants to Marry a Pirate? 4 contestants just voted off!

The next Somali reality show will have to be "Who Wants to Marry a Guy with a Goat."

Amazing turn of events this weekend.

Can't waterboard the pirates, after five days in a life raft waterboarding would be like a soothing massage.

The Navy is assembling a bunch of Davy Jones Lockers as we speak. The lockers are made by Ikea these days and they only have one of those allen-wrenches to use so they are all not quite ready yet.

I predict Hollywood will now start with a bunch of (non-caribbean) pirate movies. Harrison Ford will take on a somali pirate gang and then go after some nigerian email scammers.

You read it here first!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Bow Heard 'Round the World.

Did he or didn't he??

He didn't bow...
he was ducking a shoe thrown at him.
You can't see it in the video but really, he was "ducking."
That or he dropped his iPod he was about to give the King.
I would have bowed too, those guys usually keep some kind of saber under their robes.

Why is every time I see a news report out of Saudi Arabia it looks like everyone just got out of the shower!?

He should of sent Hillary, We know for a fact that she cannot bend at the waist.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Somali Pirates Pick on the Wrong Ship.,2933,513183,00.html

The Somali Pirates have hijacked an American cargo ship now. They are asking for ransome monies, I guess all that eye-liner and hair beads are getting expensive. Apparently piracy is a recession proof job, with excellent executive compensation plans. They must be Union Pirates.

Surely there are some out-of-work ninjas that could be some help here. Or maybe we should call out the Indian Navy again. All I know is that Cap't Stubing would not stand for this! He'd send Isaac with a couple of his famous malatov cocktails to take care of those pesky pirates.

Mow Your Lawn with a Wii Remote.

Robot lawnmower controlled by Nintendo Wii remote unveiled
Scientists at the University of Southern Denmark have unveiled the Casmobot robotic lawnmower, which is operated using a Nintendo Wii remote.

So this lawnmower is connected, via bluetooth, to a Wii remote. You can sit in your lawnchair and mow your lawn, and drink your beer. Terrific. Now your lawnmower is connected to the internet. Be careful it does not spend all it's time updating it's own facebook page.

You thought people talking on cell phone while driving was annoying... just wait till they are driving and mowing their lawns at the same time. Maybe your lawnmower can pick up a virus and start crashing. Ever seen a blue lawn of death?

Could your lawnmower text you; "d00d U R out O gas." "Change my bag" "srry bout the sprklr hed"

I think I would prefer THIS mower...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

No more CHIA-OBAMAS...Oh Noes!

Walgreens is pulling the Chia-Obama. Apparently it does not match their corporate image. I guess they need room on the counters for their chocolate flavored KY jellies.

I had no idea there even was a Chia-Obama. It is perfect for anybody's Obama-Alter. It comes with a Chia-Teleprompter and costs only 3.5 trillion dollars. Joe Biden will come water your Chia-Obama personally. (His day-timer is pretty open these days.) Instead of starting another hedge fund you can now just start a hedge for your yard. Much more popular than the Chia-Cheney, which as you know, has no hair at all and won't grow anything.

Like the Obama coin this is just a Chia-Shaggy with a sticker applied. They don't need the sun to grow a luxurious head of green hair...but it does help if you face him towards Mecca.

I imagine the President himself should buy these up. They would make great gifts for the Queen and other heads of state that Obama may visit. Then he can send the rest to Afganistan.

I am headed to Walgreens to buy up the last of the Chia-Presidents and start a chia-farm to combat Global Warming.

Monday, April 6, 2009

North Korea Launches Satellite into Ocean.

The satellite will still orbit the earth...but from underwater.
Obama responds by launching an intercontinental iPod full of his speeches.

Moab Mountain Unicycle Fest 2009

Moab is the Mecca for the adrenaline junkie. Once again over 200 unicyclists hit the trails and slickrocks of Moab. Kim and I had a great weekend, despite being stuck for two extra days waiting on a rear axle-bearing for my explorer.